Happy day before day before new year's eve! :D

Christmas break is rolling along quite nicely. I'm missing Sean a lot, but other than that I'm feeling good! :D I've had lots of fun hanging with friends and family and going to tech and such. Been keeping busy that's for sure, but then again not much to write about...

I'm actually a little excited for school to start again. Wow...I'm such a nerd, but I guess I'm just excited to have a class with Libby! :D We've never had a class together before and so yeah. Haha. It should be quite great! :D

Well...I think I'm going to head off and watch some TV with my cousin.

Love! :D

You don't look different but you have changed...

"The hardest part of living is just taking breathes to stay." I couldn't agree more...

Any boy that I've ever been close to or that has played a big part in my life either hates me or doesn't care anymore.
I must be defective.

I've been crying again. More than ever. How can someone decide to hate in what seems like over night? But it happens I guess. This whole thing with Sean is just like a break up because I love him just as much as I loved Rich just with a different kind of love. And it just feel like my heart is breaking after it finally got sewed back up. And I didn't even get the good happy stuff before this.

Goodbye Sean. I'll miss everything we used to have, but it obviously doesn't mean anything to you anymore. You have Claire. And she's enough. Maybe someday we'll find what we once had...but it will be hard, because the Sean that was my best friend doesn't seem to be there anymore. I miss him. And I love him. I always will.

Goodbye.

I have to admit it's getting better...it's getting better all the time

Hahahahaha! Right now, Sean is at school doing lights with Taylor and he has sent me 6 creeper pictures of Taylor and one video of him. It's really really funny. And it's making me laugh a lot! I'm cracking up. And I'm supposed to be writing a paper for Latin...but I'm just laughing too hard! Haha!

So things are going pretty good. I had a semi crappy yesterday, but then Zoey saved me by calling me up and we hung out. This week has been good because Origins, the one act, started up. We finally had play practice again! I have something to do with my life again! Woo hoo! :D For this show there are six people doing lights! Crazy! And I'm still the only girl. So there will still be a ton of sexist jokes. Thanks Sean and Taylor! Haha. Jk. I don't mind that much. It's all in good fun.

I love Libby a lot. It seems like when life is falling down she's there to push it back up for me. :] I love you darling! :D

I felt good today...so so good. :]

Leave it to me to pick the weird picture after Libby picks the good one. :] Haha. So this is me and Libby last night all dressed up for formal. It was a perfect night. I could not imagine it better. :] We got ready and ate supper at Melanie's house and then we went to the dance. So, I acted like a total ho...but that's ok! Because I felt good about myself. I felt pretty...and you have no idea how much that means. I didn't care if anyone laughed at me because I was having fun, and I just felt good. :] I found everyone that I had promised I would dance with and I slow danced with a certain someone. ;] (Thanks Zoey) It was just absolutely amazing! I'm still on a high. Ah, perfect. :D

The snow on my heart has finally melted, and I can see the light.

I felt good this day...so so good. :]

And I Will Wait and Watch the Hours Fall In a Hundred Separate Lines

I'm not sure about life anymore...sometimes I feel so happy...and then I want to do nothing more than hide under my covers and cry.

And I'm tired as shit. All the time.

And it snowed for the first time. I really hate snow. I really hate winter...it's just so depressing. Ugghhh.

I don't know what's wrong with me. I have a great life...why can't I just be happy? I try. I really do....

Adventure! :D

Yesterday I went on an adventure! :D It was quite amazing. Trimble and I had been planning to take Libby on a surprise adventure for a few days to make her feel better but we didn't think it was going to work out because he had to watch his little sister. So I told Libby about our plan and she got the idea that we could all go down to the pavilion because little kids (and us :]) love it there! So we were there for a long long time...and well...I'll use some pictures to help tell the story! :D

So Libby and I got there way before Taylor and Emily (his little sister) so we just ran around to all of the stuff (which we both know way to well) and took pictures. This is me in the room of mirrors. Haha. I really like this picture actually, even though I look silly.

This is Libby looking through one of the pieces of the 3-D puzzle of a dinosaur. That me and Libby failed to complete. :( We got so upset the we just THREW IT ON THE GROUND!!! Haha! She looks really silly in this picture! That's why I like it! :D

Then when Taylor and Emily got there we went on a lot more of an adventure and one of the things we did was make a get well soon card for Tye-Die the turtle because she was at the vet. I don't know why Taylor made such creepy faces for all the pictures but he did. Haha. :]

I could add more pictures since I took 112...but I'm too lazy too. Haha. After spending a long time at the pavilion we took Emily home and then went to my house and ate supper. Then Ziggy came over and then we had to go to shopko to get ibuprofen for my mom. Then we went back to my house and played lots and lots of Beatles Rock Band! It was so so much fun! :D And I really hope it made Libby feel better! :D

Love! :D

Happy Thanksgiving! :D

Do you ever get the feeling of sort of sadness and not know why? I feel, not sad, but not happy. I feel like I'm just here half of the time. I sure hope I'm worth something more than that. If anyone knows how I'm feeling you should tell me. Because I feel like I might be going insane. Haha. :]
Love!

I love Libby! :D

Hmm...so I have a few things to write about tonight! Yay! :D Here we go...we will go with the short lame one first.

My RT for interp is going to runner's up! Our RT is the one thing that I really like about interp. It's me, Carter Christianson, Lauren Nelson, Carla Squer, and Jason Williamson. We got 3rd at this last weekend's tournament. Which was the first tournament we ever went to. So it was awesome! And so a week from today we get to go to runner's up. Which is a pretty big honor. :] So I'm super excited! :D

On to bigger things. :]

So I put this picture on here cause I wanted one of me and Libby and I realized there aren't any of just the 2 of us that aren't quite terrible. Haha. So I put this one is cause I figured she would like Taylor in there too. :] For those of you who read Libby's blog you will have already read this or will be about to but that's ok. Me and Libby had 2 firsts tonight. She told me everything about her and Sean. Everything. Which made me feel...special? Haha. Idk...I'm just really glad she told me and felt that she could trust me. And I hope she knows that I would never ever in a million years judge her for anything like that. I will always love her no matter what! :D Another thing was I saw her cry for the first time. I know what you all are thinking. You are all like wtf? You guys are that good of friends and you have never seen her cry? After all the times you cried in front of her? Well, I never had. I had heard her cry on the phone once. But never seen it. And I'm kind of glad that I finally saw it. I'm not at all glad that she was crying. That's not what I mean. I just think it was good that we've both cried in front of each other now. I think that bonds people even more. And hopefully she knows that she can cry to me whenever she needs to. I love her so so much! :D

Dear Libby,

So that whole last part was about you but not directed at you. This part shall be directed at you! :D You are so so beautiful. I hope that you can fully believe that. To think that a year ago I had just met you and now...I don't know how I could live with out you. Remember: Girls are bitches and guys are dicks. God really screwed up in making humans. Haha. But I think there are a few good ones out there. I want you to know that I love you so so much. And you can come to me whenever. I meant everything I said in those voice mails. With all my heart. I love you! :D :D

Love, Natasha :]

The last thing is that I keep catching Rich's smell...it's freaking me out. Haha. A lot.

Love!

Just a Few Thoughts

I don't have much to write. Just a few things on my mind.

1. I'm so depressed...and I really don't know why.

2. On facebook there was a note that asked who can you tell anything to? And Libby didn't put me...this sounds really bitchy gosh. It just hurt my feelings. I don't know. My friends just kind of put up with me. I'm pretty convinced of that.

3. My RT got 3rd at the interp tournament yesterday. That was really exciting.

4. I have a chem test tomorrow and I don't understand any of it.

I'm feeling good right now. :]

So I had a HUGE break down last night. Everything just added up and I just couldn't take it. So I screamed and cried hard core for a long time. Sean had to call me to calm me down. And that took a while. I didn't sound too pretty he can tell you that. But...I think I needed that. I feel so much better now. Like I had a good day. I felt...happy. Weird I know. :P And I'm officially going to formal with Libby. :] I'm pretty excited! I hope she is too...

This is all I'm going to write for now...cause I need to rest my little eyes. :] I just wanted to let you all know that I felt good for a day. And it was beautiful.

Love! :D

Take it one step at a time my little friend.

So today was a pretty shitty day. I really wish Sean would actually show up to school. We've all been heart broken. You just need to get the balls to face it. I know that sounds bitchy. But honestly. Get your ass to school. I just made Claire a pretty bitchin CD though. :] And I found an amazing My Life Is Average:

"Today I was volunteering at a nearby elementary school's carnival. They had a DJ operating the songs playing on the sounds system. At some point Miley Cyrus's song "Party in the U.S.A." came on. A child of about 9 suddenly dropped to the floor screaming "My youth! My youth! It's being corrupted!" The DJ immediately turned off the music, apologized, and then started playing a Beatles song. I have faith in today's generation. MLIA" :D :D

I've sworn more on this blog post then ever I do believe...oh well.

The separate pieces of me are falling everywhere

If I thought I was ever being torn in two by Izzy and Ginny...boy was I wrong. I'm seeing what it's like to really be torn in two by two people I care for...more than most people could probably imagine. It's killing me...and I'm sinking...and I don't know what to do anymore.

I've tried to keep myself out of the middle. I listen to Libby while she talks about Sean, and I listen to Sean while he talks about Libby. I don't know if they've noticed but that's all I'm doing is listening. I refuse to make any comments to either of them because they are two of best friends. And I don't want any of this to make them stop talking to me if they need to. That's not what I'm saying at all...I just don't know anymore...I don't know where to go from here.

I was talking about all this to Brian the other night...cause he's really the one that's most removed from this whole situation so I knew I could talk to him. I told him that the world is spinning out of control and I don't know what to do...and his reply reminded me why I love that boy so much. Haha. Here it is:
"I know that they are your two best friends, but you can't let there problems drag you so far down. But I know that's not how it works...that you're gonna feel bad about things that happen between them two. You know what makes you so amazing, Natasha? God gave you the gift of true love and affection...as in, you have so much love for these two that it hurts so bad to see them fight...it's probably tearing you apart inside....but I don't think God would have given you this gift if he didn't think you could handle it (and just to make sure you kept a grip on life if you couldn't handle it, he made you scared of blood and wrists...ahahhahaha) but I know you have the strength to overcome this. You're a strong amazing person."

Libby wrote a post about how bad she is hurting...and Sean made a comment about how she isn't hurting near as bad as him and he doesn't write posts about how bad he's hurting and everything. What I don't get...their break up was mutual...so wtf? Sean...from listening to both of you I can guarantee you that she is hurting just as bad as you. You are both hurting equally. She writes about it on her blog because this is way of getting it all out. You were it on your sleeve everyday and show everybody how upset you are. Is that a bad thing? If you get to extreme about it yes. But not always. Libby chooses to not show everyone how sad she is and chooses to get her feeling out through writing on her blog. You need to be ok with that. She is hurting just as bad as you and needs a way to get it out.

I just really need some help...I haven't hurt this bad in a long time. And what Brian said helps...but I'm having trouble believing it. If I was so strong I wouldn't be sitting here crying over this.

I say go go go

Well....I opened this up and was going to write about how stressed I was because I don't understand Chemistry at all. Which is true, but I just checked parent view and I got an 82 on the quiz that I thought I totally bombed. Haha. So I'm feeling pretty good right now. What the shit? My computer screen just went all pink. I have no idea what the hell is going on. It's kind of freaking me out....

I don't have much to write about. I've been stressing a lot lately. About all the usual stuff so there is really no point in writing. Plus...my now pink computer screen is hurting my eyes.

Love! :D

Seasons of Love :]

I just went back to givesmehope.com just for something to do, and of coarse they are all amazing, but there are a few I really liked.

• I'm a deaf high school student. Last week was School Spirit Week, and one activity last week was to dress up as an inspirational person you knew or knew about. I went to school without dressing up like anyone, and when I got to school I found that 20 or 30 kids had dressed up like ME! I cried because they understood what I go through. They GMH


• One night, my dad told my family we should all pray for my cousin who is serving in Afghanistan. We later found out that around the same time, he ran over a bomb in his vehicle with 4 other soldiers. All five of them survived with only scratches. Prayer GMH.
  
• While at the store I noticed a man that was obviously mentally challenged. He wanted a free balloon that they give out to kids. They were out. A girl about 5 noticed him crying and walked up to him and said "here mister. you can have mine!" The look on his face was priceless. That girl GMH.
  

Those were three I just really liked. I don't know why. They don't all deal with the same thing or anything. I just thought it was real cute. :]

I wish I could write. Like really write. The stuff that Callie puts on her blog is beautiful. I just get on here and write about nothing. I wish I could do what she does.

So I just found out that my beautiful wife has a date to formal!!! Yay! :D She thought she told me but she didn't. :P This boy she liked asked her and that made me so happy! Now I have to find a date! Haha. I think I'm going to ask that boy I like. :] Everyone is telling me that I should. Haha. Hopefully I can work up enough courage.

My dad is being really douchey I would write about on here, but I don't want to put the effort just for him. I just really hate him. I'm so sick of him. He's such a dick.

I really really love music. So much. It's my soul. I don't even know how to describe the feeling it gives me. Idk...I just love it. Plus I've been getting a ton of new music, but The Beatles are obviously still my favorite. I just want to put some pics on here and I didn't know of what. So I decided on album covers. :] Here we go!

The Beatles. Abbey Road. Obviously my favorite band. Idk if it's my favorite album but it is an amazing one. I just love this cover...always have. It's beautiful.

3Oh!3 make me laugh. They are so white...yet they rap. Haha. Plus I love this symbol. It's so cool! :D

So I've recently fallen in love with All Time Low. Especially this album. They are coming to St. Paul in November, and I would LOVE to go! It would be amazing!!! I love their music!!!

Mayday Parade is another new add to my favorite music. I love them! Especially their song Miserable At Best. It's so sad but I keep listening to it over and over. I love it.

Oh Panic! Haha. I'm actually wearing my Panic! At The Disco shirt right now! :D I like this cd a lot. I actually made out will listening to this cd way back in the day...but I just try not to think about that when I listen to it. Haha. Northern Downpour. Love that song.

Maybe it's not my weekend. But it's gonna my year.

I just wrote this as a note on facebook and decided to put it on here.

TEN things I wish I could say to 10 different people:

1. What I would do with out you? Die. I love you so so much. I don't know if you truly understand how much you mean to me. We have had so many times together. California? Best trip of my entire life. No joke. I don't know if anything will ever compare to that. All of our songs: I gotta a feeling, Don't Trust Me, I know you want me, a whole new world, she had the world, andy you're a star, human, and good day sunshine! Two of those reminded me of yet another thing. Family camp! Remember this year how we sang out own version of Don't Trust Me? And how we got in trouble for singing She Had The World cause it talked about kissing before you are married? Ridiculous!! Haha. You are a major part of who I am. We met back in 5th grade and I remember when you said that The Beatles were your favorite band and I knew of them and liked them too. They probably weren't my favorite band then...but as we became friends they became my favorite band and are now a huge part of my life. That's only one example of how you made me who I am. I could have never made it through life without you. You are one of the most amazing people I've ever met. You are so beautiful, inside and out. I love you!

2. Oh gosh. You are by far the one of the first things that comes to mind my mind when anybody says any of these things: summer of 2009, big sister, best friends, beautiful, amazing....and the list goes on. You are...I don't even know how to put it into words. You have helped me so much. You've listened to me cry so many more times than anyone deserves. You are incredible. Our songs: Shake It and Poker Face! :D I would have never made it through this summer without you. I would be dead now if it wasn't for you. You, like Angie, really have no idea how much you mean to me. And I wish there was some way I could tell you how much you mean to me, but I'm not sure there is a way. I look up to you so so much. Please don't graduate and leave me! I'm so needy!! I love you!

3. My best guy friend. I love you. You never fail to make me laugh. And you are one of the few boys who will put up with me crying and my cramps and everything. Haha. You are an amazing friend and person. I wish you could see how amazing you are. I know my family wants me to be in love with you, but I'm not at all. And I don't mean that as an insult. It's just that you are more of a brother. And it's great to have a guy friend that I know will never break my heart. You are so amazing and talented. Don't worry about doing lights by yourself because you will be fine. And I'll be here to help as much as I can. :] I love you!

4. I did hate you for a long time also. And I regret every second that I did. I don't think I could live without you now. Omg. Rapeville was amazing, and so was the car alarm! And the mother fucking intersection! And the monster! Hahahahahaha! Too many funny times! I laugh when people say it takes a long time to make friends and simply say to them, "Well, 4 months ago I hated Zoey with a deep passion and now she is one of my best friends and my wife! So suck it!" I've never met somebody so much like myself in so many ways. Personality wise, we like almost all the same stuff, and we have a lot of the same family shit (yay for douche bag dads). I've never told you this but I look up to you a lot. We are a lot the same but at the same time you are so much more...out going and crazy. I wish I could be more like you. :] You are an amazing person. I love you so much.

5. Darling. What to say about you. You are amazing, beautiful, everything. We've gone through so many things together. We have gone from being in Canada writing songs about how creepy Mrs. Anderberg to me breaking down crying and you taking me to the Wilkins twins to make me feel better. You have no idea how much you mean to me. We need to go to California together! Just saying. Even though you make fun of me and that hurts my feelings I love you. And I couldn't live with out you.

6. Just tonight you rapped me. Like...that was as close to legit rap as I have ever been. It was kind of scary not going to lie. Haha. But I still love you. Even though you are kind of a dick. You also can be really really sweet. You try to help me understand what's going on when my world is crashing around me. And you are so incredible adorable in everything you do. And I don't mean that in a creepy way at all. I just...I don't now. I just love you.

7. We fight a lot. Haha. And I know I over react to things I probably shouldn't...but that's just me I guess. With how much we fight I sometimes wonder why we are still friends. And then I think...oh my shit! Of course we are still friends. All the times we've had together?? Besides Angie you are my oldest friend that is still one of my best friends. You are truly amazing and I know that I can go to for anything. I love you so much.

8. You are the only friend that has ever held me while I cried. And I love you so much for that. When I hurt you tried to make me feel better by the simplest things. And that's all I could have asked for. You are truly amazing. And I love you so much.

9. So maybe not one you would have expected, but hey that's me. Hmm...I don't know where to even start this one. I guess I just want to say I'm really glad that we are friends after all the shit that happened between us. Back in the day, you were everything to me. I think I liked you a lot more than you ever knew. Heck liked you? I loved you. You were the first boy I ever love. And you were the reason for my first broken heart. The reason I spent so many days crying and doing nothing else. I used to hate you for it. And blame you for it, but I don't anymore. I have obviously forgiven. What people don't get is that I never expected us to be together forever, but that didn't dull the pain of what happened you know? But even after how depressed I was...I don't regret it. You were my first kiss, my first love, my first...everything. And I wouldn't trade it for the world.

10. So...this is for Taylor Trimble even though he doesn't have a facebook...and I know he'll never read this Oh you silly silly boy. You never fail to make me laugh cause you are such a little nerd! And I mean that in the nicest of ways. I think you are amazing adorable. And I'm not just saying that because of the reason you all are thinking! You are so amazingly smart. I can't even comprehend how your brain works because you are so beyond my level. And I've never met a nicer person in my life. I've never heard you say anything mean to anyone. I mean we would talk about how the cheerleaders were hoes all the time...but that doesn't count because it's totally true. Haha. I'm going to cry when you and Libby leave me this year. :( I love you!

NINE things about myself:
1. My Brian thinks in music and numbers. Words aren't too good with me.
2. I'm way too emotional.
3. I would be dead without my friends.
4. I love the Beatles with a passion.
5. I trust way too easily.
6. I give my heart away way too easily.
7. I don't like myself very much.
8. I'm kind of annoying.
9. I love life.

EIGHT ways to win my heart:
1. Be adorable.
2. Be nice.
3. Don't make me feel really stupid.
4. Make me feel like I can go to you for anything.
5. Listen to me while I cry.
6. Make everything we do together an adventure.
7. Love my friends as much as I do.
8. Love me.

SEVEN things that cross my mind a lot:
1. Friends.
2. Theatre.
3. Band.
4. Interp. :/
5. Music.
6. Love.
7. Boys. :P

SIX things I do before I fall asleep:
1. Get into pj's.
2. Brush my teeth.
3. Take my contacts out.
4. Watch tv.
5. Pray.
6. Think.

FIVE people [or groups of people] who mean a lot.
1. Angie.
2. Libby.
3. Sean.
4. My family
5. All my other friends!

FOUR things you're wearing right now.
1. Skinny jeans.
2. Zoey's shirt. :P
3. Sweatshirt.
4. Socks.

THREE songs that you listen to often. [Currently]
1. Anything by All Time Low.
2. Anything by The Beatles.
3. Anything by Panic! At The Disco.

TWO things you want to do before you die.
1) Change some body's life.
2) Walk across Abbey Road barefoot.

ONE confession.
1. I'm not sure if I can take it.

And The Band Plays On...

You don't get times like this with out marching band. :(

Yesterday was our last marching band competition. You have no idea how sad that makes me. Like ridiculously sad. It was the first time I've cried in about 5 weeks. I've just loved it so much. Sure, the practices sucked like on Thursday when the windshield was 23 degrees and it was raining and everything but the friendships and good times we had made it totally worth it. I know we still have the chicken dinners, but that's not the same.

And most people would say well at least you have more free time on the weekends now! Except not. Cause now I have to go to interp tournaments on weekends. Vomit. I hate interp so much this year. If I wasn't in the class I would have quit a long time ago. It's so terrible this year. I hate hate hate hate it. I'm quiting at semester time. That is if my mom let's me. Because she thinks the only way I'm going to get a good part in the musical is if I stay in interp. Which is probably true, but at this point I hate it so much I don't even care.

Oh yeah...and a great way to end the season. Rosemount beat us.

More Hope :] And a happy birthday to Jonah! :D

So...let's name some more things that give me hope. :]

Marching Band: 250 kids putting in as much effort as we do. Gives me hope that teenager aren't just lazy people who do absolutely nothing. (Our last competition is tomorrow. I'm starting to cry just thinking about it.)

The Beatles: Give me hope about everything. I love their music so much. :]

Disney Land: It's hard to explain the connection I have with that place, but when I walk in I can feel the magic. Cheesy I know. But I really can. I love it there so much. It's incredible. It gives me hope that we all have an inner child. And it really does give me hope in the magic of imagination.

Taylor Trimble: Gives me hope in the simple fact that people can be absolutely adorable. :]

The whole thing with Rich: Gives me hope that after a ton of shit happens people can still be friends.

After writing the last post and now this part of this one I just feel so...happy. I've realized it's really good to sit down and look at the amazing things in life. Because life is really an amazing thing. It's beautiful. I love it. :]

I feel like I have so much to write about yet I have nothing to write about. That didn't make any sense, did it? Oh well...I guess that's me. :P Oh! I thought of something! Today Sean and I were going to hang out after school and so I called my mom to come pick us up and she said that she couldn't pick us up and so I was like "Ah! Zoey can we have a ride home?" And she said that was fine but we had to go to the mall with her. Haha. Fine with me! :D So we went to the mall with her and some of her friends and stuff. And after we hung out for a while we went home and Sean said to me "I really don't see why everyone hates Zoey so much. She's really cool." And you have no idea how happy that made me! Because that's what I've been saying all along. :] And also it's Jonah's birthday today. :] He just turned one. :]

So...yeah. I love Anige, Libby, Sean, Zoey, Izzy, Brian, Ginny, Trimble, Jordynn, Callie, Bridget, and many many others. :] Just are just the ones I thought of at this moment. :]

When it seems likes there is none...hope appears.

Wow...so Sean told everyone on his blog to check out givemehope.com. Honestly. Do it. It's incredible. I was reading them at school and I had to stop because I was about to cry. They are amazing. So I think I'm going to copy Libby and share some things that give me hope.

Music-In almost any form it pulls me through the day. When I feel like I just can't stand things I just put in my head phones and let my stress melt away.

Lana-My friend from camp. She sends me bible verses every day via text for no reason at all. Today's really applied to what was going on in my life. It was awesome.

Angie-What person doesn't this beautiful smiling girl give hope to? You just look at her and you can feel the hope of humans remaining pure burst through your heart. She's a beautiful girl.

Libby-Gives me hope....in so many ways. You give me hope to show that I can stand up for what I believe in. You give me hope that not everyone has to like me and that's ok. And most of all when I'm breaking and just want to quit, you give me hope to keep holding on. You are an incredible person.

Sean-You give me hope in...unexplainable ways. I guess you just give me the hope of a true friend. :]

Zoey-Gives me hope in forgiveness. She would have never had to forgive me for the way I acted. But she did and is now one of my best friends and my wife.

Izzy-Gives me hope when I forget that people can be just down right crazy! I love her to death.

Brian-Gives me hope that there are good guys out there. Ones who aren't afraid to cry and tell you everything. One's who want to listen.

The Wilkins' Twins: Give me hope in laughter! Haha.

And most of all God: Gives me hope in absolutely everything. Every way shape and form.

Variety Show is done! I have...free time...?

I seem to be writing less and less these days. Which is quite sad! I'm just so busy! But I don't think I'm just going to write about what I did these past days even though it's been pretty great. Just a lot of stuff with friends and such. :]

But there is something I feel I need to write about. I've talked about it to all my friends. But for some dumb reason I feel like writing it on her makes it "official" like I'm admitting it for real.................I like a new boy

About time right? Haha. Jk. Libby was right. After I stopped caring so much about finding one I started liking him. And I can tell that I like him for real. Because my heart does that thing where it will speed up really fast and I can't help it. It's weird having that feeling again. After my heart being dead for so long. But it's nice. Really nice. The problem? He'll never like me. Unless there is a miracle...which I guess could always happen. :] I'll keep praying.

Gotta Find You!

Haha. The title of this blog post is for Zoey. :] My wonderful wife. It's so funny....how good of friends we are now. And I love it. I hung out with her a bunch this past weekend and it was a great time! We just drove around every where on Saturday and stuff. We even went and visited Rich at work and stuff...but I guess you need to know what happened before that now don't you.

So, last Tuesday after I talked Randi for a long time on the phone...in fact right after I posted my last post I got on facebook and Rich was on. So I asked him if we could talk and he said sure. It started out real awkward obviously and I apologized and stuff, and we decided that we could be friends. And by the end of the conversation we were talking just like old times. :] It mad me so happy! Not because I'm still in love with him or anything! Not at all! It's just nice to have him as a friend again. And now if one of us were to like die tomorrow I wouldn't feel terrible about it. It's a good feeling. :]

Generally life is pretty good. I mean...variety show sucks...but other than that it's great. I love homecoming so much! And I'm not hating variety show like super lots...I mean I know it sucks but I really love being on light crew. It's just Trimble, Sean, and me. :] Amazing. Cause Sean's my best guy friend and Trimble is....Trimble. :] We even made light crew shirts! And we are all going to wear them on Friday! They say "Light Crew Turns Me On" on the front and then on the back has our names and "LHS light crew homecoming 09". They are so cool! :D I'll put a pic of us wearing them up here sometime.

Official homecoming day is this Friday and I'm really excited! Sean, John, and me are getting sophed and Kenzie, Cora, and Lisa are getting froshed by Libby and Trimble. So I'm spending the night at Libby's tomorrow so we can start our adventure real early in the morning. Oh and today Whitlock decided she wanted to help too...I'm kind of scared about that because I know how much she dislikes me. :/ Oh well...hopefully it won't be too bad.

Shall we share an inside joke of each friend...let's hope I can remember them all...this should be fun. Hopefully you all know what I'm talking about....cause other wise I'm going to sound like a complete fool. Haha.

Angie: So many...um...I'm going to say "That cave is not your house Angie Bell!"

Libby: Fuck it!

Sean: Is this pink...or is it peach?

Isabel: Teenagers must drive CAREFULLY out of the parking lot.

Ginny: They probably do each other's hair at their fricken sleepovers!

Zoey: That mother fucking light! Ah shit! I spilled...now I'm going to get a rash.

Brian: There is fucking ice in my drink!

And those would be my 7 best friends. I love you all so much! :D Thanks for putting up with me through this whole summer...well I guess me and Izzy weren't really talking then. And me and Zoey weren't really friends then...but still. Gosh...that's so crazy how quickly someone can become on of your best friends. :] But anyway...thanks. For everything. There is no way I can ever repay you. You guys are the best and I love you so much. And I think life is going to look up from here. :D I love you!!!!!!

I'm not leaving, no I'm not leaving

Things are looking up...way way up. And it's about time! Haha. I just got off the phone with Rich's mom, Randi. We talked for like 50 minutes about everything. It lifted a huge weight off my shoulders. It seems as though there was a little bit of a miscommunication, but it's all good now. We just had a really nice chat and I think that things are going to take a turn uphill from here. :] Life is good.

I love band. I just...gosh it's so great. Haha. I know I'm such a nerd but it's just so great...so so great. :] Addison and John are probably 2 of the most hilarious people I've ever met. And my whole section is just great people. I love it.

Oh gosh...I really need to go to bed. I love you all!!!! :D

We'll keep moving...

Right now I'm hanging out with Izzy and Callie. :] Fun fun times. It reminds me of Laramie...which I miss so much. :] Those were truly good good times.

So I had a really rough week last week...it was pretty terrible to tell you the truth. This may sound like a really dumb reason to be upset but Rich's mom just randomly decided to hate me. After all this time of her being so nice to me she just...changed her mind. I don't really get it. She even defriended me on facebook and so did his older sister. I know I shouldn't really care...but I've always loved his family...and apparently they just decided to not return that anymore....Idk why it bugs me...but it does. A lot.

I read Ziggy's thing in his blog that he wrote about me if he had never met me. It was real sweet. :] It made me feel better. Thanks Zig!

Love!!!! :D

Now I'm still driving just keep sleeping

So...I haven't written in what seems like forever! And I really should be doing homework but I don't want to quite yet. And I'm trying to figure out facebook mobile...urg.

Anyway...so I've been busy with a super amount of band lately. I love it so so much. :] It really just makes me feel so happy. :] Except I'm so tired all the time. And tomorrow we don't have any practice at all! Cause we did so fricken amazing at the compition yesterday!!!! There are two rounds and we won the first one with a score of 90.8 out of 100 I belive. Which is a really really good score. And then we won the "finals" round with a score of 92.1! Frickin 92.1! That's 7.9 points off of perfect!! I was so fricken excited! AH!!!!!!!

Wow...so that was my band nerd side. Anyway on to other activities...Theatre. Going good. I'm enjoying variety show cause light crew is just me Sean and Trimble. It's a fun time. We are going to make shirts that say "light crew turns me on". I think it's going to be awesome! :D

Then there is interp....ugh...I'm so stressed about that right now. I don't even like it anymore.......blech. And that's pretty much it.

Love Love Love! :D

Cigarette after cigarette can not help to calm your fear

Libby! What an amazing idea. So Libby and Sean recently went through people in their lives and tried to imagine what life would be like with out them. So here it goes.

Angie: So amazingly different I can't even begin to imagine. You made me the person I am today. I am so happy I can be your oldest and best friend. I've had so so many memories with you. California!!! Just imagining life with out you makes me heart ache. You have been there for me through everything. From the time in middle school when I had only 3 friends to being made of for liking the Beatles in elementary school to everything that happened this summer. I'm so happy I'm in band now so we can spend even more time together. I love you so much.

Libby: Gosh...I don't even want to think about what life would be like without you. I know one thing for sure...I wouldn't have made it through everything. I might be dead right now. You are the one I talk to when I'm crying and just can't seem to stop. And you are the one who gives me a slap in the face when I really need it. You are one of the most extraordinary people I have ever met. You are more beautiful than you could possibly imagine inside and out. I love you so much.

Sean: You are sitting right next to me right now playing neopets...hopefully that will distract you from reading this until it is time. So first...hahahahahaha...sorry you just made me laugh really hard. I love how into neopets and Pokemon you get. You never fail to put a smile on my face. You were the one boy who didn't abandon me at the beginning of the summer and you will never understand how much that means to me. When I had lost all faith in the male population you popped into my life even more than before. You are my best guy friend and I know I can go to you for anything. Life without you would be...terrible...I would have completely lost faith in boys as of now and would be super depressed. And all alone right now. :( Haha. I love you so much.

Izzy: Oh girl! I have missed you so much. And I'm so happy you are a part of my life again. Imagining life without you is a little easier because all I have to do is think back to this summer (sorry!). Life without you is definitely...less exciting. You always know how to make me crack up! And just the wacky stuff you do...it's just hilarious. I love you so much.

Brian: Oh boy...you are so so silly. Life would be different without you because I wouldn't have calling me a slut and a whore everyday. Haha. Jk. You have changed my life so much in ways I can't explain. You helped me to see thing through a boys eyes. And taught me that boys think with the wrong head. Haha. I love you so much.

Merecedes: My finacee! I can't wait until we get married. And I know that I have many other people to marry and such...but you are the only one on facebook so feel special. If you weren't a part of my life...I don't think I would completely understand how to love so purely like you do. You see the world in such a different way than most people...a much more beautiful way. And you make me feel good about myself for loving Jesus. And for that I love you.

Zoey: We haven't been friends for very long but in the little time we have I think I have noticed that life would be different with out you. First, I don't think I would understand how much people forgive if it wasn't for you. Because I was such a bitch and you still find a way to be my friend. Also, I think that I would feel like I was the only one that was dumb enough to waste so much time on Rich. But you made the same mistake as me. Which makes me feel better about life. Haha. That sounded kind of mean...sorry. Also...we are like the same person. It's really scary actually. Haha. And who would be my son's best friend when we grow up if it wasn't for you?!? I don't know I can tell you that much! :P I love you!

I love you all so so much! :D :D

Hypnotized by the carbon dioxide would turning back be a good idea?

So....I love life. :] I've had a really amazing weekend. Maura and Izzy slept over on Friday and we had a fun little adventure at Target and such. :] And Zoey slept over last night and we beat Beatles rock band in 3 and a half hours. Haha. And I had my first ever energy drink. You should seen me at 4 this morning...it was crazy. :P And then tonight was Zoey's bday party. And it was so fun to get all dressed up and go eat at a fancy restaurant. :] And she had a Beatles cake!

The Beatles have always been my favorite band...but lately I've really fallen in love with them again hard core. I think it was the excitement of Beatles rock band and everything. I just forgot how much I loved them...and how they stand for love and everything. They just make my heart so happy. :]

I feel like I'm really missing Libby lately...she had to work this whole weekend so I didn't get to see her at all. Haha. Wow...2 days and I miss her. It's just cause she's such a great big sister! And she draws me the best pictures ever! :D

I'm really glad that me and Zoey are friends now. Cause it's nice to know that people in the world forgive you after being a total bitch, you know? Plus it's just nice to have some new friends. To just throw a new element into life. If you would have asked me 3 months ago if I though I would be going to Zoey's birthday party today I would have laughed in your face, but that's what I did. And it was so much fun! :D Picture time!

Love!! :D

What do you say we leave for California?

Izzy is really freaking me out.....she keeps growling at me......I'm scared. And she is obsessing over this game called sorority life. It's so cheesy and dumb. So yeah I'm really scared...

Last night play practice was complete hell. It was so terrible. Everyone was super pissy and everyone was like screaming at each other. It was....just horrible. I don't even know who to describe it any more than that. But then me and Izzy went to the diner which made it better. :] I really hate that show. It's almost as bad as R&J. At least during R&J I wasn't as depressed as I am now. Oh well. It's almost over! Thank the Lord! And then it will be Variety Show which should be fun! :D

What do you say we leave for California? If we drive all night we can make it by the morning. No one has to know if we decide to go.

Today was the best day of my life I think. 9/9/09. I will never forget the day. Beatles rock band came out today!!!!!! :D :D :D :D :D I've been counting down the days for so long! It's so exciting! :D Sean, Izzy, and I played it for like 2 hours. It is worth every penny. :]

So this weekend my mom is going out of town. And Izzy is staying over Friday and Sunday night and Zoey is staying over Saturday night. Zoey and I already decided that we are not actually going to sleep we are just going to play Beatles rock band all night. :] It is going to be so epic! :D

But I really need to go to bed.....

:D :D :D :D Love! :D :D :D :D

I can drive and you can sleep while the radio collides with the sound of our heart beats

Hello Everyone! :D I feel like I have many things to write about....so we will start with the good one first. :]

Yesterday. Life Light. It was so so much fun! :D Me and Izzy drove up there around 3 so we didn't get in until like 4. And then we met up with Angie and Erik right away. :] Then Erik ditched us to hang out with his friends. Haha. Jk. But anyway...then we eventually met up with Lauryn and her boyfriend Max, Ellen and Vicky (who hate me...but that's ok), a whole bunch of other people from camp, and Merecedes. There was a ton of people that we got to see that we knew it was great. :D And then it was time for Family Force 5! And by this point Angie had gone off with other people so it was Me, Izzy, and my friend Taran from camp. So we went and met up with Zoey and the 4 of us pushed our way (led by Zoey) into the middle of the crowd. Where we somehow found Angie. :] It was so much fun!!! And then the concert ended at about 10:30ish and we didn't get home until 1:30. Why it took Angie, Izzy, and Me so long to get home? That's a whole other story....

So here it is. After the Family Force 5 concert we went to the main stage to see a little bit of Newsboys. And then we said our good byes to Taran and met up with Merecedes one last time. :] So then we went out to the parking lot and it was about 11:15. What time did we finally find the car? Midnight. We were walking around forever trying to find it. All the people we laughing at us...and we all had to pee so bad. It was really hilarious! Haha. So then we finally found it and starting driving out and got lost. So then we found a police officer who gave us directions to "help us avoid traffic" which led us into even worse traffic. So it was terrible traffic and then we got stuck behind a car crash. So when we finally got past all of that it was 1 and then we still had to get back to Sioux Falls. And we really wanted some McDonalds. Haha. So we got that and then we finally made it home. It was a great night. One I will never forget. :]

Ugh....screw the depressing stuff. I'll just keep it wrapped up in my brain so no one else has to deal with it. All I can say is besides life light...fml.

:D Love!! :D

We could leave this town if only for the weather

Ah! My nose is running....I need to go get a kleenex......

Ok! I back and snot free! :D Always a good thing. :] I've been super sick all week...I really don't like it. :/ But other than that I've had a pretty good week. Not anything extremely exciting happened. It was basically just a normal school week. I pretty much love school...oh gosh...I'm such a nerd. I just love seeing everyone everyday. And I have barely any homework this year. :] It's awesome! Although I could do without Interp...I can just tell it's going to be a hassle trying to deal with that and Theatre. But I'll try to make it work.

So Merecedes today told Libby to warn me to not read Rich's blog cause it would really upset me...but I was far too curious to listen so I read it. And it didn't upset me...cause frankly. I have no idea what that boy was talking about. Sometimes...I just don't even understand his words. Shows how dumb I am...oh well...it was better than crying about it like Mercy thought I would. He thinks I asked Zoey to yell at him the other day. I didn't. She asked if she could and I said why not. I had no right to say she shouldn't. Idk...I don't understand anything anymore. I've realized that I'm real dead on the inside. I think I'm loosing my mind.....

If we leave our friends then we can be together

Well Hello There!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :P Haha. Gosh...that was from...the 4th of July was it not Libby? Good times. Haha. So it's currently the 3rd week of school and it's going pretty good. Yesterday was actually really sucky...but today was a lot better. Everyone is super super sick though. Haha. Yesterday I thought the world was crumbling cause everyone was depressed, but they seem to be getting better. :] Right now Izzy and Brian are hanging out at my house. So I'm the 3rd wheel again...............anananana. Haha. Jk. :P Cause they are dating now. I think Brian just pooped his pants. Not even joking. Haha.

I just got off the phone with my grandma. :/ She's so crazy!!! Haha. So last time I wrote on here I had 3 issues. Shall we talk about those? I think we shall. :]

Me and Ginny are cool. I thought she was mad at me but she says she wasn't...Idk...we are cool now and that's all that matters to me. :]

So me and Zoey are friends now. :] It's pretty cool. People stop yelling at me for it at play practice so that's good. :] Haha. Me, Zoey, Zoey's boyfriend, and Zoey's friends Maddy and Brittney went to the drive in this weekend and it was tons of fun! I got a water bottle that looks like a monkey! It's friggen sweet! :D

The 3rd...eh...we'll work on it. :P

Love! :D :D

What do you say we leave for Califonia?

I just stood up to my dad for the first time ever...


fml.............

No one has to know if we decide to go

Ok...so before I forget. Thank you so much Merecedes. That is why I'm marrying you. :P Cause you are totally awesome...I'm talking about her comment from my last post...just so everyone knows. Haha. :]

Anyway...on to other stuff. My day was pretty good today...I had a little bit of I feel like I'm going to vomit stuff but mostly it was good. Except I got 2 tummy aches. :[ That mad me real sad. But it was still a good day. After play practice Jordynn, Libby, Bridget, and I went to get Sean's bday present but I can't say what it is! He is going to love it though! Omg....he is going to loooooove it! :D :D I'm so excited to give it to him! :D Haha. And then Izzy came and met us at the mall and me and her hung out for a while. It was quite fun. :]

Another part of my day that was kind of sucky...Ginny is mad at me again. And won't talk to me. She's mad cause I dumped her on facebook even though I warned her I would if she kept being mean like she was. I know she probably doesn't realize it but she always makes me feel really inferior to her and it really hurts my feelings. Idk...sometimes I think I should just move on with my life and not try to get Ginny to not be mad at me. Sometimes it feels like her friendship causes too much stress. Idk...I'll figure it out.

Love! :D :D

If we drive all night we can make it by the morning.

My itunes is working again! :D Yay!!! Not much happened today...I slept real late. That felt nice. Haha. I am feeling a little weird today though. There were three things that were really bugging me all day.

1. I was upset with Angie for the first time today. It's because last night she slept over here but she went to another movie with Adam and I didn't want to 3rd wheel it again. And I just felt like she wanted to hang out with him a lot more than she wanted to hang out with me. Which really hurt my feelings, but now we are talking about it. So it's all good. :] Haha. When me and Angie get upset with each other it's not for long.

2. This whole thing with Zoey is really confusing. I got a big speech from people at play practice on Friday about how I should stay away from her and not be her friend and everything. And what I want them to understand is I'm not saying I want to be best friends with her or anything. I don't know if I want to be her friend or not. I just don't want to hate her and I don't want her to hate me. I'm turning over a new leaf this year of confronting people on things and not hating people. She's never done anything personally to me. So I might as well be nice to her.

3. I hate this one...it's so dumb...I miss Rich...my heart hurts...Idk what to do about it....

What do you say we leave for California?

My itunes won't work. :[ It's make me real sad. :[ But other than that. Life is pretty amazing right now. I'm really enjoying school and stuff cause I get to see everybody all the time again. :] My classes are pretty good to. So here's my day:

1st period: Oral Interp. Love it. :] Of course. :]

2nd period: Chorus :/ not the best...but what are you going to do?

3rd period: Latin!!!!!!!! Best class ever! :D :D I love T-mo! :D

4a: Lunch! Backstage! :D

4b: Bel Conto :/ It's more chorus....

5th period: Precalc. I took normal instead of accelerated this year and I like it a lot better. I don't feel so overwhelmed.

6th period: Acc. Chemistry. It doesn't seem to hard yet...Jaws seems nice. And Callie and Anna Uthe are my lab partners. :]

7th period: English 2. It's real boring...but then I can get other homework done it there. :]

So that's my day...plus marching band and play practice and everything. Jordynn says hi to everyone btw. :] Haha. I don't have much else to write about.

Love! :D :D

Don't look in the mirror, the past you don't want to see

Ah! School! It's so great! I decide that I love it not gonna lie. :] The first day of school was great...at the very end of the day Rich came to visit everyone. It really bugged me and upset me a lot. But later that night he randomly started texting me and eventually he apologized. It felt so good. At that moment...all my bitterness left me. I feel like I had this huge weight lifted off my shoulders. I absolutely love it. So what did he say you ask...? Well here it goes:

"I'm sorry natasha. for all the things that have happened. i changed a lot...and it didn't happen in the most subtle of ways. i never meant to hurt you in the process. i just want you to know that..."

And in the next one he apologized for it taking so long. So...I'm not in love with him again don't worry. It just felt awesome. :]

Another great thing is that today I legit talked to Zoey in person. And she was really really nice. She gave me her phone number and everything in case I ever needed anything. I know Jordynn doesn't like her at all but I figured that's no reason for me to hate her. She seems like a great person. :]

Another not so great thing...I'm kind of worried about Libby...she seemed real sad all day today. Which in my dumb little head it makes me think that she is mad at me. Even though she says she isn't. And I believe her. I really do. I love you Libby. You have so much worth and you are an amazing person.

Love! :D :D

You don't trust yourself, but just trust me.

I'll have to write more about the first day of school later cause I really need to go do my homework...but there is just one thing I need to say.

I am no longer going to be bitter. I'm moving on and I'm taking everyone and everything on with a bright smiling face. The angry Natasha is gone.

We don't want to hear the things we know they're gonna say.

Happy birthday Libby!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You won't be 17 forever and we can get away with this tonight. ;) Haha I'm actually listening to the theme song of your bday right now! Sorry if you didn't want that to be the theme song...I just kind of picked it. :P I love you so much. I hope you have the best possible birthday ever. I'm serious. You deserve nothing less. :] I love you. Happy birthday.

So...school starts tomorrow...I'm pretty excited actually. :] It will be nice to get back into the swing of things. :] I'm really excited for 1st period both semesters cause first semester I have Oral Interp and 2nd I have Theatre II. :D Sounds fun doesn't it? I think so. :] :]

I don't have much to write about...lately I've just been trying to see everyone before summer ends. :] Ginny still seems pretty mad at me...she kind of blew up at me yesterday. Which is really upsetting because I'm really not emotionally stable to handle all of this. Oh well. I'm real glad me and Izzy are friends again. And if she reads this...Izzy. I'm really sorry for how mean I was. :( But now we are all good! :D I hope school goes good tomorrow. :] We'll just have to wait and see.

Love!!! And happy birthday! :D :D

We don't need a map and you can put your phone away...

My tummy hurts. :( But other than life is good! Libby is over right now cause she is sleeping over. :D Yay! Haha. And tonight we had our first performance for marching band. :] It was so awesome! Just that one performance made all of the hard work worth it. :] I love just listening to the music. It's so awesome. :] I really don't have much to write about....

Libby made me get a twitter :/ Haha. It's real silly but here it is:

http://twitter.com/Tasha415

Love!! :D

We could fly away to outer space, we could find a way to leave this place

I decided that I'm writing a lot cause I'm trying to get in a lot before school starts...in 3 days! Ah! That's insane...this summer has gone by crazy fast! A lot has changed...and now it's time to move foward on to another year! Hopefully this year will be as amazing as last year.

My mom gave me a whole lecture on how I'm not as good as Zach again tonight. Ugh...there hadn't been of those in a long time and I thought maybe they were finally over...but I was wrong. She tells me to be more like him so then I made some joke about sneaking out which he used to do all the time and she flipped out. Just trying to be more like him like you asked mom...

I'm listening to the song "Boston" right now. And for some reason this song always makes me want to cry lately. It's real weird cause it never had that effect on me before. Maybe I just need a good cry...after all it's bee like a whole 3 days...that's a long time for me. Haha.

Our first performance for marching band is tomorrow. I'm really excited. :] I invited like everyone I know. Haha. I'm such a nerd. :P We get to wear those sexy uniforms. Ew! Vomit. Haha. They are so gross. :P No offense Libby......

So maybe this is just me reading into things but it seems to be that Rich ditches Jordynn a lot lately. Which is ridiculous. He does this to everyone...I would have preferred that he didn't do it to me but he did and I can handle that. But Jordynn? Come on....that's just down right mean. But then again maybe they are still the best of friends and I'm real dumb. Who really knows....

The thing I dislike about Ginny and Brian being so close is that if one is mad at you the other one is too. So it seems that both of them are mad at me for now. Oh well....I'll figure that one out when I have more energy. For now I'll just let things sit htey way they are.

Love! :]

If I leave town would you leave along with me?

I'm at Libby's house! :D It was so nice to spend time with her again cause like I said it had been forever! Even though it wasn't just the 2 of us. Her bday party was so much fun! :D I absolutely loved it. I had one of those moments last night where I just closed my eyes and took it all in. It was fantastic. Besides Sean I was the only not senior or older. So when he left I was the sophomore hanging out with all the seniors. :] It made me feel pretty special. :] Haha. So so much fun...

On the other side of things....my fight (if you want to call it that) with Ginny seems to be escalating. I confronted her on the whole phone thing cause I realized I really need to grow a back bone and do things like that. And she came back with "well we haven't talked talked". Which really pissed me off. I tried to talk to her! And she pushed me away! I tried!!!! Urg...

Well I should probably get off Libby's computer...but I'll write more later. :]

Peace! :]

If I strum chords would you sing along with me...

Most exciting news of today: I drove all the way home from Howard Wood and I went through a drive through for the first time! I was so proud of myself. :P Haha. Today I went to catapult day at Edison with Madisen, Rich's little sister. It was so great! A little trip down memory lane. :) And now she is here spending the night. We are having a pretty bon diggity party. Haha. :P

This is pretty great news too coming up...Last night me and Izzy talked on the phone for like an hour and a half. And we just talked about everything that happened between us and what had happened since last time we talked (it's so funny to here the surprise in people's voices the first time they hear that me and Rich don't talk anymore) and we decided that we are going to be friends again. :D Which makes me really happy cause I have missed her a bunch. :] And we talked about the whole thing with Ginny and decided that even though the 2 of them don't get along I can still be friends with both of them. Ginny...that's a whole other story...

So...it seems to me that Ginny has been mad at me since the beginning of spat camp. So I asked her about and she said she had a ton of stuff going on and everything. Understandable. So I asked her what was going on and said that I was here if she need to talk about it and such. Then yesterday forgetting she was still grounded invited her over. Obviously she couldn't but the offer was still there. Then today at band I was looking at Lauryn's phone and right as I got it Ginny texted her saying how I hadn't talked to her in a long time and stuff. And all this happened right after we were on the field and she was right next to me so I waved to her and told her I loved her. So yeah Ginny...it had been a long time since I talked to you. And I don't want anyone thinking the reason I'm mad at Ginny is Izzy. Cause it's not. At all. Ginny's just been upsetting me.

I just went to Rich's facebook profile cause I was playing the stalking game Izzy taught me. (It's a long story.) And it was all about his new girlfriend and his pic was with her and everything. I should be over this...but it made me want to vomit. Ugh.......

Libby's bday party is tomorrow! I'm so excited cause it seems like I haven't seen her in forever! Plus it should be a ton of fun. :] I'm having a sleepover every night for the rest of the summer. It's going to be epic. :D Don't got much else to write....

Love!!!

Truly Tangly Thoughts

So...I've just gotten done reading Libby's blog...it concerns me. Cause she said that she thinks she's going to die by killing herself one day. I really hope that isn't true. I just...don't ever want to think about her dying. Cause if she dies...I would probably die too. It would just be too much of a physical pain. It goes like that for any of my friends really...

I hung out with Jordynn and Sean tonight. It was a lot of fun. :] Cause I hadn't seen Jordynn in what seemed like forever. I guess I'm still a little upset that she blew me off for Rich a couple of times. But I really need to get over that. It's not that big of a deal. And I love Jordynn. I really do. I feel really bitter lately. And I hate it. Everything to do with Rich just upsets me a lot. And I don't know why. I've forgiven him. I really have. But still....

I really have no idea what I'm feeling right now. But one awesome moment of today was when I was with Jordynn and Sean. And we were driving somewhere and listening to music and stuff. And I just closed my eyes...and to just have the feeling of 2 people I really cared about there with me was amazing. It was almost magical. At that moment everything bad in the world didn't seem to exist and I felt peace. I'm going to try to have more moments like this. Saver everything I have...cause I've learned the hard way...you don't know what you got until it's gone.

I just re-read the last paragraph I wrote and I started crying. I don't know why. I've been crying a lot lately at really random times. I just hope the next 2 days I can be not emotional...cause I'm going to be spending them with Madisen. :] While Rich's family goes to Vermillion with him I volunteered to watch her. I'm actually really excited. I think it's going to be a ton of fun. And I know that when I was her age and my mom had one of my brother's friends stay with me it was amazing! So I'm glad I can do that for her. :]

At this point...I'm real excited for school. But I could see it going 2 ways.
Way one-Amazing. And totally takes my mind off of everything that makes me sad.
Way two-Much too overwhelming with everything that makes me sad already on my mind.
I'm hoping for way one. Haha.

~Love~

Free From Spat Camp! :D :D

First off...I'm super tired...so if what I say here doesn't make sense...that's why. :P Not much has been happening lately. Spat camp is finally over! Woo hoo!!!!!!! Yesterday we got to go to wild water west for a celebration for it being over. :) It was a ton of fun! Except when Angie tried to drown me....that wasn't too fun....

But other than that...nothing really has happened at all. I'm still feeling pretty down sometimes...but other times not so much. It's a roller coaster...and I hate it. But I'll make it through. I'll get by with a little help from my friends. :] If no one got that Beatles reference there....I might cry.

Love! :D

Here we go again....

Sean told me about the post depression high...but he never warned me of the depression coming back...

Crying myself to sleep has come back to be a pretty regular thing the past few nights again. I can't stop crying...no matter how hard I try. I hate this. I thought it was gone...why is it coming back? I'm not going to be able to handle school like this...fml...

Let's start with my dad...
He was supposed to call me on the 24th of July. Specific I know, but that's me. He never did. "Stood me up" you could say. Every time I give him another chance and start to the think he might have actually changed he does this again. Just normally I see him more than once before it happens again. My therapist keeps telling me that deep down I want to see him and that I want to have a relationship with him. I really don't think I do. If he really hates me this much why would I want that? He obviously doesn't like me. At least not as much as he likes my brothers. As far as his girlfriend situation it went like this...Matt and Zach met her. I was lied to and told that they broke up. So yeah. He obviously likes me a whole lot. Why can't I just forget about him? I never want to talk to him again. Sometimes I think Ginny has it way easier. Her dad was a lot worse than mine...but at least she just got to completely kick him out of her life. That would make everything so much easier. I can't take this anymore...

The other thing that is upsetting me I'm kind of worried to write about...
So...it's Rich. Dumb I know. I really thought I was over him. I haven't cried over him or missed him in such a long time. But now...it's like I'm right back to where I started. Him moving on and having a new girlfriend is killing me. Idk why. But it is. And reading his blog when talking about the past he only talks about Zoey. I meant absolutely nothing to him. He meant everything to me. Absolutely everything. And I was just a little flicker in his life. There for just a second...nice to have for a moment. But he didn't give a crap when I was gone. I know he might read this and that will probably start another fight...but I don't think I could feel any worse than I do right now. So there's no point in preventing it. Me and Libby were talking and we realized it is so so unfair that the ones who do the heart breaking have no pain at all. Rich completely dumped me and I went into a depression. He completely moved on and didn't care. For someone who claims to have had his heart broken by Zoey...he sure doesn't care when he does it to other people. I feel like I'm going to vomit. I can't take this anymore...

Libby. I'm sorry for dumping everything on you. I feel like you are the only one I can talk to anymore. I feel like the world is closing in on me...The only thing I can see is the spark of light that is you helping me through this. You thought your job was done...I'm sorry to tell you that I don't think it is. I can't take this anymore....help me................

On a good note....Libby hung out with Rich last night...which I'm guessing means that they are friends again. Which is good. Cause I felt terrible about ripping them apart. So I'm glad that they pieced it back together...I wish I could have helped. But luckily they figured it out on their own. But that's all I got. I think I'm going to go curl up in bed....

Peace. :]

Soooooooooo tired......

It's day 5 of spat camp....my energy tank is pretty close to empty...I'm coasting at this point...

But that's ok! Cause spat camp is so much fun! :D I'm so happy I joined marching band! It's awesome! :D We finished the marching portion of the first 2 songs! So we are like half way done! :D Tomorrow we have breakfast with the band. So people come and we play through the whole show plus America South. And then we march the opener! The one song I can play! I really don't have much to write about cause I've only been doing spat camp and that's about it...

Love! :D:D

Guess who joined marching band :]

So...I woke up this morning Ginny and Brian calling me saying they were coming over to my house for lunch. Ok..fine with me. Then when they were here they told me about how much the band needed hole fillers. So low and behold....I'm a hole filler! :D I'm filling Sean's spot...how ironic! :] I "play" tenor sax. :) And it's acutally a lot of fun! Yeah it's tiring and sweaty but so much fun! :D And....(drum role please)....I already have a little bit of a tan! Take that mother lickas! :D :D But....I'm reeeeaaaaaalllllllyyyyyy tired...so I'm going to get off the computer. :) But first! This totally awesome pic that this girl Myra from camp put on of my shoes! Haha.
Isn't tat cool? Haha. I thought it was. :]

Love! :D

I really want some pop-tarts.....

Heyyy everybody! :) So...I'm just sitting at home all alone. D: Haha jk. It's not that bad. I just bought the whole Metro Station cd so I'm listening to that. I'm so excited for the concert on Wednesday! :D Especially cause there is going to be a surprise for someone there. But I can't say anything about it obviously! :D I'm really excited though...cause I've never been to a concert before. :) But in other news...I finally got to drive today cause my mom is back in town. She pretty much made me feel like I was the worst driver ever. But it'll get better. Hopefully. Oh..one of my new favorite songs just came on itunes. :) It's Kelsey by Metro Station. I first heard it from Libby...no wait. I think I actually herd it from Rich a long time ago. But Libby reintroduced me to this song. I like it a lot. :) Ananana I miss Libby...so much....but she will be home soon. I understand the physical pain she was going through when I was gone. You just don't realize it as much when you are the one on vacation I guess.

So today I went to church with Rich's parents. It was a lot of fun actually. I kind of love church. Haha. Ok...not kind of. I love it a lot. God is just...so good. But anyway...after that Angie and Sean came over to my house for a little while...then Angie had to go home. :( And me and Sean walked to the 41st Last Stop. From my house. We walked it. It was so intense! And then we went to his house and sat on his couch and played video games for a looooooooooooooong time. Haha. I really want pop-tarts...we have been out for a long time...maybe we could go get some....yummm. Shoot! Angie just texted me and told me I left my shoes at her house! Dang it! Those are both pairs of my high tops! Urg...I'll have to go get them tomorrow.

Libby: I miss you..............so so so so much...............come back. And me and Seany boy started planning your bday today. :) You are going to love it. :) But seriously...come back...like now.

Peace! :)

I haven't died yet from the cats! :D

So...I'm spending this weekend at Anige's cause my mom is out of town. It's been real fun so far. :) We went swimming again yesterday at Brian's and we are going again today. So that will be 3 days in a row for me. :P But oh well...it's lots of fun. I'm kind of tired though...cause me and Angie had a heart to heart until like 4 in the morning last night. Haha....but we kind of always stay up at least that late. So I should have expected it. :P Tonight we are having movie night at Angie's with me, her, Lauryn, Adam, Sean, Ginny, and Brian. I'm real excited. :D It should be a ton of fun. Well...I better get ready to go swimming...but I'll write more later and when I get home I'll put on some pics. :)

Libby: I miiiiiiiisssssssssss yyyyyyyyooooooooouuuuuuuu! I can't wait until you come back! I'm so needy...anananananananana

Love! :D :D :D

Vbs is over! :( Ananananana....

Tonight is sleepover with Libby night!!! Yay! :D We haven't had a sleepover in a while...well just the 2 of us. So we are parting it up! Haha...not really :P So...I miss vbs already :( I almost started crying when it was over...like legit. :( But that's ok. There's always next year! :D And I can't wait! :D

Exciting news time! :D I got my permit today!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can driveeeeeee!! :D Yay!! Well...with an adult in the front seat. :P But the sucky part is my mom goes out of town tomorrow :( so I can't drive until she gets back. But that's ok. :) I'm spending this weekend at Angie's. It should be grand fun...minus the cats. :/ But we will make do. :) Wow...I use a lot of faces don't I? Oh well :P I like them :)

Libby is leaving for a week tomorrow...Idk what I am going to do without her. It's hard when you are the one left at home. But I guess it's only fair cause I left her for a week. But I will still miss her tons. But we will hang out when she gets back. :) And my brother is coming home on the 1st and we are having a welcome home partyish thing for him and I get to invite friends. :) I'm so excited!!!! Cause his girlfriend is coming too. :)

Merecedes: If you are reading this...you are invited to the welcome home party. I just keep forgetting to actually invite you. :P Haha. :)

Libby: Don't ever leave me!!!!!! Anananananannananananananananananananaanan :( :( But don't feel bad...really...cause then I'll feel bad for making you feel bad. :( I love you so much :)

I <3 vbs! :P

So......last time I wrote was Saturday night. Wow. Haha. Well...vbs is going great. I kind of love it...a lot. :P Haha I'm such a nerd, but I think it's a lot of fun. :) Cause I get to see Libby, Sean, Jordynn, and Rich everyday. And I'd say we all have a pretty bon diggity time. :) So...Sunday after vbs me, Sean, Libby, and Jordynn went to subway. :) And yesterday afterwards me, Sean, Libby, Jordynn, Rich, Elias, and Rich's friend Caleb all went to Jimmy John's. That was a lot of fun too. :) And then today me, Jordynn, Libby, Sean, and Rich went to DQ. I forgot how scary/fun it is to ride in Rich's car. Haha.

I love Libby Trammel. :) Sorry...I'm kind of copying the paragraph you wrote to me. I am so so so so so so so so happy that you are believing that God loves you. Cause he absolutely does. And you have no idea how happy that makes me. Like unbelievably happy. :D :D When I was at camp they were talking about how if someone goes to hell you will never get to see them again and so if you have friends who aren't too sure on the whole God thing that you need to talk to them. And my very first thought was "I hope I can talk to Libby about all this stuff...cause Heaven wouldn't be any good without her." And I don't mean that in a "you're going to hell" way. Oh gosh...I just sounded like a bitch, didn't I? Well...I meant that in a nice way I really did. I'm sorry if it didn't come across that way. And I have an answer to a question you asked me the other day. In case you don't remember you said "If God loves everyone why does he send people to hell?" And I'm with you on that one. It still confuses me a lot....but I have somewhat of an answer. God doesn't just send people to hell if they don't believe in him. He brings everyone to heaven at first and if they look at Jesus and say he's not real then they go to hell. Does that make sense? If it doesn't I'll try to think of a better way to explain it to you sometime. But if you ever have a question about God I'm here for you. Cause you always say that I'm so happy and I care for other people and stuff...but the only reason I'm like that is cause Jesus is in my heart. Trust me...it's an amazing feeling. And I would love to help you feel that way. :)

So...life is pretty great. :) Sometimes I feel a little bipolar or something...cause I'll be real happy one minute and then I will be crying the next over nothing...and then I'll be real happy again...maybe that's just cause I'm pmsing. :P Haha. But yeah...should I be concerned? Eh whateves. Another thing is...I'm starting to think better of myself. Like...I don't think I'm beautiful yet...but...looking in the mirror today...I looked ok. And I'm really trying to be less annoying. I think I must have bad hearing or something...cause I don't realize when I talk loud. But oh well...I'm trying. :) Life just gets better everyday. It really does. Thank you God for everything I have. :)

:D ~Peace! Love!~ :D

Jazz Fest rocks my socks off! :D

So I'm pretty much loving life. A lot. :D It's so great. Today I went to Rich's church again to help with vbs again. But....besides Rich's family I was the only one that showed up. Haha. But it was still fun! :D It wasn't awkward at all or anything. And Madisen is kind of really adorable. :) Rich's mom wanted us to go to their church with them in the morning but we are realy tired cause of jazz fast. So we aren't going to. So...yeah...I don't have much to write about...I'm kind of lame tonight. :P

Love! :D

What I did today...wow I'm so boring. :P

So... what did I do today...? Well I went out to eat with my dad. Which wasn't near as bad as I thought it was going to be. I just really hope that he doesn't pull this crap again if I actually kind of start to like him again. Oh well...we will just have to wait and see, won't we kids? After we went to eat we went to Best Buy cause I had to get a lot of stuff there. And I tried to pay for it but he wouldn't let me. So I did try! So I got a lot of stuff. :) Which is awesome! Then...I waited forever for Jordynn to call me back. In that time I made some cd's and stuff. It was great. :) And then Libby came over and me and her and Ginny went to Brian's Beauty and the Beast show. It was so adorable! :D And the me and Libby went to Merc's house for a little while. And Bridget was there too. :) It was real cute. And Merc gave me some adorable pokemon! :) Really...they are super cute! :) I love them! Thank you so much Mercededes! So right now I'm just sitting around playing some Pokemon Platinum. It's pretty epic. And Merc is feeding me cheesy pick up lines on facebook. Haha. So...I probably should be something productive right now...but I really don't want to. Haha. I'm such a teenager. :) But it's summer. Give me a break. School starts exactly one month from today. I'm kind of excited but I'm not at the same time. Cause I LOVE the social part of school...but I hate the stress. Haha. Well...I got nothing else.

Peace! :D

LIfe is good :D

Ok...so this post is going to be in big contrast to the last one...well not the letter to Libby...the other one. Today was an amazing day. I feel...great. :D So I hung out with Jordynn and Libby again today as I did yesterday. And of course it was a ton of fun! And we are helping Rich's mom with VBS! Yay! I love VBS! :D :D Haha. Wow...I'm such a nerd. So anyway...I saw Rich again...and we talked and stuff and he was real nice. Which I think means he has actually forgiven me. Which takes the biggest weight off my shoulders. I feel so much better about everything! :D And now I'm trying to get Ginny to come pick me up so we can go to Brian's house. :)

.I love Libby!
..I love Angie!
...I love Ginny!
....I love life!
...I love Jordynn!
..I love Brian!
.I love Sean!
:D

Thanks guys...for an amazing summer! :D Love! :D

Dear Libby,

I'm sorry to have saddened you. :( That wasn't my intention at all. And thank you so much for writing that letter type thing. I cried...but it's ok...I think it was a good kind of crying.

I'm glad I help your faith in the human race. I never thought I could do that for anyone. Haha. And I love you so much too. I will flat out say it. If it wasn't for you I would have killed myself trying to get through all of this. I love you. :)

Thanks for saying that I'm pretty....I just really don't feel like it. And I like that you can tell my lips are kissable...that part made me giggle. :P Can you really tell that just by looking at someone? Cause if so, you are even more amazing than I thought.

What you said about Rich really made sense. My question is....How do I get him to warm back up to me? Cause I don't know how that will work...if we never talk...or if I never see him. You know? Idk...it's not that I still like him or anything. I just miss his friendship. But maybe you don't even know...then we are screwed. Haha jk. We'll figure something out.

As far as you wishing you were more like me...Idk if I would go that far. But I know for sure that I want to be more like you. Maybe we can teach each other to be like the other...if that makes sense. Ah! My itunes is on shuffle and our song just came on. Shake, shake, shake, shake, shake it! :D I love you so much. Thank you. You are the reason I'm where I am today. I could have never gotten this far without you.

Harry Freakin Potter!!!!

Omg!!! We went to the midnight (well 12:04 if you want to be technical) showing of Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince last night! It was awesome! :D Sitting in line for 3 and half hours wasn't even bad. It was so much fun. :) It was me, Brian, Ginny, Ethan, Katie, and Chris. :) And D picked up Katie so me and Ginny were really crazy cause it was 3 in the morning. So I think he might be even more scared of us. Haha. But it was great...I felt bad though cause I started to fall asleep a little bit. Hehe.

So...I cried myself to sleep last night. It was the first time in a long time. So I guess that's kind of good...? I just wish I could predict how I was going to feel. Or that it would stay on one side of the line instead of jumping back and forth. I feel real depressed today. Which means I won't let anyone see it. Except my mom...so that's going to bring up a big fight some time today. yay. Oh well...I'll put on my big pretend smile that I've become an expert at right now. And let everyone think that everything is ok in my little heart.

Elias said that Rich has forgiven me and wants to be friends too. And it's not that I don't believe Elias...I just have a hard time believing it for some reason. And I know that doesn't really make sense...but I guess I'm not one to really make sense a lot of the time. I hope it really is true though. Cause Libby said if he didn't forgive me soon she was going to get mad at him again. And I can't destroy their friendship again. And I know even if I ask her not to she still will. But it's my fault they starting fighting. I'm the one who destroyed their friendship. I can't be responsible for that again. If I was....Idk what I would do.

I think my self-esteem is kind of plummeting. Back to what it used to be like in middle school. I don't like it but I can't seem to help it. No matter how much people disagree with me...I know I'm not pretty or a good person or a fun person to hang out with. I know that I'm annoying. And I hate it. I can see myself being annoying...but it's like I can't help it. Like I'm watching myself do all these things from a distance or something. I don't feel very loved right now either. Which is dumb cause I have Ginny, Brian, Jordynn, Libby, and Sean. But...Idk. I really don't know why I feel like this.

I have to go to eat with my dad on Friday. Vomit. I don't want to at all. But everyone keeps yelling at me that I need to so I guess I will. I thought maybe I would say that I need to go to best buy and get some stuff so that he will pay for it. But Brian told me I would be an awful person (well at least one person gave up on lying) if I did that. But I'm so sick of his shit. I don't want to deal with this anymore. He's just going to pull the same thing again once I start to believe he is really going to be nice. I can't do it anymore...

The adventures of my day...and a little more :)

I had an amazing day today! So let's relieve it right now! In story mode. :D So I woke up and called Ginny cause we had talked about hanging out. So then she came and picked me up and we went to subway. :) Then we went to her house and took the doors and roof of her jeep!!!! OMG!!!!! It is so amazing without the doors and roof! It's awesome! :D And then....we went and picked up Austin Murra, then Ethan Nemmers, then Sean, then Libby, and then Brian. And we went to the park in my neighborhood and then we went to Brian's house and went swimming. :) It was just so great to see Libby and Sean again. :) I missed them. Haha. And now Libby is sleeping over. :D It's great. She makes me laugh so much. I love her. :) And tomorrow we are going to attempt to hang out with Elias and Rich...idk how that will go...but we'll see.

So...Rich has an ex-girlfriend named Zoey. I've probably talked about her before. And I was feeling real bad about being a bitch to her just cause everyone told me she was a bitch. So I added her as a friend on facebook and apologized. And it's turned into a pretty nice convo. She actually seems like a pretty nice person. :) And I didn't realize how much it had been eating away at me but since I did that I feel like this huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. :)

Oh gosh...I love Libby so much. She is just making me laugh right now cause she is talking to herself. It's quite silly. Haha. Ah. Life is good. I love it..but i have so many bug bites from camp. It's ridiculous! I think me and Libby just made harmony. That was pretty sweet! :D

~Love!~