What do you say we leave for Califonia?

I just stood up to my dad for the first time ever...


fml.............

No one has to know if we decide to go

Ok...so before I forget. Thank you so much Merecedes. That is why I'm marrying you. :P Cause you are totally awesome...I'm talking about her comment from my last post...just so everyone knows. Haha. :]

Anyway...on to other stuff. My day was pretty good today...I had a little bit of I feel like I'm going to vomit stuff but mostly it was good. Except I got 2 tummy aches. :[ That mad me real sad. But it was still a good day. After play practice Jordynn, Libby, Bridget, and I went to get Sean's bday present but I can't say what it is! He is going to love it though! Omg....he is going to loooooove it! :D :D I'm so excited to give it to him! :D Haha. And then Izzy came and met us at the mall and me and her hung out for a while. It was quite fun. :]

Another part of my day that was kind of sucky...Ginny is mad at me again. And won't talk to me. She's mad cause I dumped her on facebook even though I warned her I would if she kept being mean like she was. I know she probably doesn't realize it but she always makes me feel really inferior to her and it really hurts my feelings. Idk...sometimes I think I should just move on with my life and not try to get Ginny to not be mad at me. Sometimes it feels like her friendship causes too much stress. Idk...I'll figure it out.

Love! :D :D

If we drive all night we can make it by the morning.

My itunes is working again! :D Yay!!! Not much happened today...I slept real late. That felt nice. Haha. I am feeling a little weird today though. There were three things that were really bugging me all day.

1. I was upset with Angie for the first time today. It's because last night she slept over here but she went to another movie with Adam and I didn't want to 3rd wheel it again. And I just felt like she wanted to hang out with him a lot more than she wanted to hang out with me. Which really hurt my feelings, but now we are talking about it. So it's all good. :] Haha. When me and Angie get upset with each other it's not for long.

2. This whole thing with Zoey is really confusing. I got a big speech from people at play practice on Friday about how I should stay away from her and not be her friend and everything. And what I want them to understand is I'm not saying I want to be best friends with her or anything. I don't know if I want to be her friend or not. I just don't want to hate her and I don't want her to hate me. I'm turning over a new leaf this year of confronting people on things and not hating people. She's never done anything personally to me. So I might as well be nice to her.

3. I hate this one...it's so dumb...I miss Rich...my heart hurts...Idk what to do about it....

What do you say we leave for California?

My itunes won't work. :[ It's make me real sad. :[ But other than that. Life is pretty amazing right now. I'm really enjoying school and stuff cause I get to see everybody all the time again. :] My classes are pretty good to. So here's my day:

1st period: Oral Interp. Love it. :] Of course. :]

2nd period: Chorus :/ not the best...but what are you going to do?

3rd period: Latin!!!!!!!! Best class ever! :D :D I love T-mo! :D

4a: Lunch! Backstage! :D

4b: Bel Conto :/ It's more chorus....

5th period: Precalc. I took normal instead of accelerated this year and I like it a lot better. I don't feel so overwhelmed.

6th period: Acc. Chemistry. It doesn't seem to hard yet...Jaws seems nice. And Callie and Anna Uthe are my lab partners. :]

7th period: English 2. It's real boring...but then I can get other homework done it there. :]

So that's my day...plus marching band and play practice and everything. Jordynn says hi to everyone btw. :] Haha. I don't have much else to write about.

Love! :D :D

Don't look in the mirror, the past you don't want to see

Ah! School! It's so great! I decide that I love it not gonna lie. :] The first day of school was great...at the very end of the day Rich came to visit everyone. It really bugged me and upset me a lot. But later that night he randomly started texting me and eventually he apologized. It felt so good. At that moment...all my bitterness left me. I feel like I had this huge weight lifted off my shoulders. I absolutely love it. So what did he say you ask...? Well here it goes:

"I'm sorry natasha. for all the things that have happened. i changed a lot...and it didn't happen in the most subtle of ways. i never meant to hurt you in the process. i just want you to know that..."

And in the next one he apologized for it taking so long. So...I'm not in love with him again don't worry. It just felt awesome. :]

Another great thing is that today I legit talked to Zoey in person. And she was really really nice. She gave me her phone number and everything in case I ever needed anything. I know Jordynn doesn't like her at all but I figured that's no reason for me to hate her. She seems like a great person. :]

Another not so great thing...I'm kind of worried about Libby...she seemed real sad all day today. Which in my dumb little head it makes me think that she is mad at me. Even though she says she isn't. And I believe her. I really do. I love you Libby. You have so much worth and you are an amazing person.

Love! :D :D

You don't trust yourself, but just trust me.

I'll have to write more about the first day of school later cause I really need to go do my homework...but there is just one thing I need to say.

I am no longer going to be bitter. I'm moving on and I'm taking everyone and everything on with a bright smiling face. The angry Natasha is gone.

We don't want to hear the things we know they're gonna say.

Happy birthday Libby!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You won't be 17 forever and we can get away with this tonight. ;) Haha I'm actually listening to the theme song of your bday right now! Sorry if you didn't want that to be the theme song...I just kind of picked it. :P I love you so much. I hope you have the best possible birthday ever. I'm serious. You deserve nothing less. :] I love you. Happy birthday.

So...school starts tomorrow...I'm pretty excited actually. :] It will be nice to get back into the swing of things. :] I'm really excited for 1st period both semesters cause first semester I have Oral Interp and 2nd I have Theatre II. :D Sounds fun doesn't it? I think so. :] :]

I don't have much to write about...lately I've just been trying to see everyone before summer ends. :] Ginny still seems pretty mad at me...she kind of blew up at me yesterday. Which is really upsetting because I'm really not emotionally stable to handle all of this. Oh well. I'm real glad me and Izzy are friends again. And if she reads this...Izzy. I'm really sorry for how mean I was. :( But now we are all good! :D I hope school goes good tomorrow. :] We'll just have to wait and see.

Love!!! And happy birthday! :D :D

We don't need a map and you can put your phone away...

My tummy hurts. :( But other than life is good! Libby is over right now cause she is sleeping over. :D Yay! Haha. And tonight we had our first performance for marching band. :] It was so awesome! Just that one performance made all of the hard work worth it. :] I love just listening to the music. It's so awesome. :] I really don't have much to write about....

Libby made me get a twitter :/ Haha. It's real silly but here it is:

http://twitter.com/Tasha415

Love!! :D

We could fly away to outer space, we could find a way to leave this place

I decided that I'm writing a lot cause I'm trying to get in a lot before school starts...in 3 days! Ah! That's insane...this summer has gone by crazy fast! A lot has changed...and now it's time to move foward on to another year! Hopefully this year will be as amazing as last year.

My mom gave me a whole lecture on how I'm not as good as Zach again tonight. Ugh...there hadn't been of those in a long time and I thought maybe they were finally over...but I was wrong. She tells me to be more like him so then I made some joke about sneaking out which he used to do all the time and she flipped out. Just trying to be more like him like you asked mom...

I'm listening to the song "Boston" right now. And for some reason this song always makes me want to cry lately. It's real weird cause it never had that effect on me before. Maybe I just need a good cry...after all it's bee like a whole 3 days...that's a long time for me. Haha.

Our first performance for marching band is tomorrow. I'm really excited. :] I invited like everyone I know. Haha. I'm such a nerd. :P We get to wear those sexy uniforms. Ew! Vomit. Haha. They are so gross. :P No offense Libby......

So maybe this is just me reading into things but it seems to be that Rich ditches Jordynn a lot lately. Which is ridiculous. He does this to everyone...I would have preferred that he didn't do it to me but he did and I can handle that. But Jordynn? Come on....that's just down right mean. But then again maybe they are still the best of friends and I'm real dumb. Who really knows....

The thing I dislike about Ginny and Brian being so close is that if one is mad at you the other one is too. So it seems that both of them are mad at me for now. Oh well....I'll figure that one out when I have more energy. For now I'll just let things sit htey way they are.

Love! :]

If I leave town would you leave along with me?

I'm at Libby's house! :D It was so nice to spend time with her again cause like I said it had been forever! Even though it wasn't just the 2 of us. Her bday party was so much fun! :D I absolutely loved it. I had one of those moments last night where I just closed my eyes and took it all in. It was fantastic. Besides Sean I was the only not senior or older. So when he left I was the sophomore hanging out with all the seniors. :] It made me feel pretty special. :] Haha. So so much fun...

On the other side of things....my fight (if you want to call it that) with Ginny seems to be escalating. I confronted her on the whole phone thing cause I realized I really need to grow a back bone and do things like that. And she came back with "well we haven't talked talked". Which really pissed me off. I tried to talk to her! And she pushed me away! I tried!!!! Urg...

Well I should probably get off Libby's computer...but I'll write more later. :]

Peace! :]

If I strum chords would you sing along with me...

Most exciting news of today: I drove all the way home from Howard Wood and I went through a drive through for the first time! I was so proud of myself. :P Haha. Today I went to catapult day at Edison with Madisen, Rich's little sister. It was so great! A little trip down memory lane. :) And now she is here spending the night. We are having a pretty bon diggity party. Haha. :P

This is pretty great news too coming up...Last night me and Izzy talked on the phone for like an hour and a half. And we just talked about everything that happened between us and what had happened since last time we talked (it's so funny to here the surprise in people's voices the first time they hear that me and Rich don't talk anymore) and we decided that we are going to be friends again. :D Which makes me really happy cause I have missed her a bunch. :] And we talked about the whole thing with Ginny and decided that even though the 2 of them don't get along I can still be friends with both of them. Ginny...that's a whole other story...

So...it seems to me that Ginny has been mad at me since the beginning of spat camp. So I asked her about and she said she had a ton of stuff going on and everything. Understandable. So I asked her what was going on and said that I was here if she need to talk about it and such. Then yesterday forgetting she was still grounded invited her over. Obviously she couldn't but the offer was still there. Then today at band I was looking at Lauryn's phone and right as I got it Ginny texted her saying how I hadn't talked to her in a long time and stuff. And all this happened right after we were on the field and she was right next to me so I waved to her and told her I loved her. So yeah Ginny...it had been a long time since I talked to you. And I don't want anyone thinking the reason I'm mad at Ginny is Izzy. Cause it's not. At all. Ginny's just been upsetting me.

I just went to Rich's facebook profile cause I was playing the stalking game Izzy taught me. (It's a long story.) And it was all about his new girlfriend and his pic was with her and everything. I should be over this...but it made me want to vomit. Ugh.......

Libby's bday party is tomorrow! I'm so excited cause it seems like I haven't seen her in forever! Plus it should be a ton of fun. :] I'm having a sleepover every night for the rest of the summer. It's going to be epic. :D Don't got much else to write....

Love!!!

Truly Tangly Thoughts

So...I've just gotten done reading Libby's blog...it concerns me. Cause she said that she thinks she's going to die by killing herself one day. I really hope that isn't true. I just...don't ever want to think about her dying. Cause if she dies...I would probably die too. It would just be too much of a physical pain. It goes like that for any of my friends really...

I hung out with Jordynn and Sean tonight. It was a lot of fun. :] Cause I hadn't seen Jordynn in what seemed like forever. I guess I'm still a little upset that she blew me off for Rich a couple of times. But I really need to get over that. It's not that big of a deal. And I love Jordynn. I really do. I feel really bitter lately. And I hate it. Everything to do with Rich just upsets me a lot. And I don't know why. I've forgiven him. I really have. But still....

I really have no idea what I'm feeling right now. But one awesome moment of today was when I was with Jordynn and Sean. And we were driving somewhere and listening to music and stuff. And I just closed my eyes...and to just have the feeling of 2 people I really cared about there with me was amazing. It was almost magical. At that moment everything bad in the world didn't seem to exist and I felt peace. I'm going to try to have more moments like this. Saver everything I have...cause I've learned the hard way...you don't know what you got until it's gone.

I just re-read the last paragraph I wrote and I started crying. I don't know why. I've been crying a lot lately at really random times. I just hope the next 2 days I can be not emotional...cause I'm going to be spending them with Madisen. :] While Rich's family goes to Vermillion with him I volunteered to watch her. I'm actually really excited. I think it's going to be a ton of fun. And I know that when I was her age and my mom had one of my brother's friends stay with me it was amazing! So I'm glad I can do that for her. :]

At this point...I'm real excited for school. But I could see it going 2 ways.
Way one-Amazing. And totally takes my mind off of everything that makes me sad.
Way two-Much too overwhelming with everything that makes me sad already on my mind.
I'm hoping for way one. Haha.

~Love~

Free From Spat Camp! :D :D

First off...I'm super tired...so if what I say here doesn't make sense...that's why. :P Not much has been happening lately. Spat camp is finally over! Woo hoo!!!!!!! Yesterday we got to go to wild water west for a celebration for it being over. :) It was a ton of fun! Except when Angie tried to drown me....that wasn't too fun....

But other than that...nothing really has happened at all. I'm still feeling pretty down sometimes...but other times not so much. It's a roller coaster...and I hate it. But I'll make it through. I'll get by with a little help from my friends. :] If no one got that Beatles reference there....I might cry.

Love! :D

Here we go again....

Sean told me about the post depression high...but he never warned me of the depression coming back...

Crying myself to sleep has come back to be a pretty regular thing the past few nights again. I can't stop crying...no matter how hard I try. I hate this. I thought it was gone...why is it coming back? I'm not going to be able to handle school like this...fml...

Let's start with my dad...
He was supposed to call me on the 24th of July. Specific I know, but that's me. He never did. "Stood me up" you could say. Every time I give him another chance and start to the think he might have actually changed he does this again. Just normally I see him more than once before it happens again. My therapist keeps telling me that deep down I want to see him and that I want to have a relationship with him. I really don't think I do. If he really hates me this much why would I want that? He obviously doesn't like me. At least not as much as he likes my brothers. As far as his girlfriend situation it went like this...Matt and Zach met her. I was lied to and told that they broke up. So yeah. He obviously likes me a whole lot. Why can't I just forget about him? I never want to talk to him again. Sometimes I think Ginny has it way easier. Her dad was a lot worse than mine...but at least she just got to completely kick him out of her life. That would make everything so much easier. I can't take this anymore...

The other thing that is upsetting me I'm kind of worried to write about...
So...it's Rich. Dumb I know. I really thought I was over him. I haven't cried over him or missed him in such a long time. But now...it's like I'm right back to where I started. Him moving on and having a new girlfriend is killing me. Idk why. But it is. And reading his blog when talking about the past he only talks about Zoey. I meant absolutely nothing to him. He meant everything to me. Absolutely everything. And I was just a little flicker in his life. There for just a second...nice to have for a moment. But he didn't give a crap when I was gone. I know he might read this and that will probably start another fight...but I don't think I could feel any worse than I do right now. So there's no point in preventing it. Me and Libby were talking and we realized it is so so unfair that the ones who do the heart breaking have no pain at all. Rich completely dumped me and I went into a depression. He completely moved on and didn't care. For someone who claims to have had his heart broken by Zoey...he sure doesn't care when he does it to other people. I feel like I'm going to vomit. I can't take this anymore...

Libby. I'm sorry for dumping everything on you. I feel like you are the only one I can talk to anymore. I feel like the world is closing in on me...The only thing I can see is the spark of light that is you helping me through this. You thought your job was done...I'm sorry to tell you that I don't think it is. I can't take this anymore....help me................

On a good note....Libby hung out with Rich last night...which I'm guessing means that they are friends again. Which is good. Cause I felt terrible about ripping them apart. So I'm glad that they pieced it back together...I wish I could have helped. But luckily they figured it out on their own. But that's all I got. I think I'm going to go curl up in bed....

Peace. :]