Soooooooooo tired......

It's day 5 of spat camp....my energy tank is pretty close to empty...I'm coasting at this point...

But that's ok! Cause spat camp is so much fun! :D I'm so happy I joined marching band! It's awesome! :D We finished the marching portion of the first 2 songs! So we are like half way done! :D Tomorrow we have breakfast with the band. So people come and we play through the whole show plus America South. And then we march the opener! The one song I can play! I really don't have much to write about cause I've only been doing spat camp and that's about it...

Love! :D:D

Guess who joined marching band :]

So...I woke up this morning Ginny and Brian calling me saying they were coming over to my house for lunch. Ok..fine with me. Then when they were here they told me about how much the band needed hole fillers. So low and behold....I'm a hole filler! :D I'm filling Sean's spot...how ironic! :] I "play" tenor sax. :) And it's acutally a lot of fun! Yeah it's tiring and sweaty but so much fun! :D And....(drum role please)....I already have a little bit of a tan! Take that mother lickas! :D :D But....I'm reeeeaaaaaalllllllyyyyyy tired...so I'm going to get off the computer. :) But first! This totally awesome pic that this girl Myra from camp put on of my shoes! Haha.
Isn't tat cool? Haha. I thought it was. :]

Love! :D

I really want some pop-tarts.....

Heyyy everybody! :) So...I'm just sitting at home all alone. D: Haha jk. It's not that bad. I just bought the whole Metro Station cd so I'm listening to that. I'm so excited for the concert on Wednesday! :D Especially cause there is going to be a surprise for someone there. But I can't say anything about it obviously! :D I'm really excited though...cause I've never been to a concert before. :) But in other news...I finally got to drive today cause my mom is back in town. She pretty much made me feel like I was the worst driver ever. But it'll get better. Hopefully. Oh..one of my new favorite songs just came on itunes. :) It's Kelsey by Metro Station. I first heard it from Libby...no wait. I think I actually herd it from Rich a long time ago. But Libby reintroduced me to this song. I like it a lot. :) Ananana I miss Libby...so much....but she will be home soon. I understand the physical pain she was going through when I was gone. You just don't realize it as much when you are the one on vacation I guess.

So today I went to church with Rich's parents. It was a lot of fun actually. I kind of love church. Haha. Ok...not kind of. I love it a lot. God is just...so good. But anyway...after that Angie and Sean came over to my house for a little while...then Angie had to go home. :( And me and Sean walked to the 41st Last Stop. From my house. We walked it. It was so intense! And then we went to his house and sat on his couch and played video games for a looooooooooooooong time. Haha. I really want pop-tarts...we have been out for a long time...maybe we could go get some....yummm. Shoot! Angie just texted me and told me I left my shoes at her house! Dang it! Those are both pairs of my high tops! Urg...I'll have to go get them tomorrow.

Libby: I miss you..............so so so so much...............come back. And me and Seany boy started planning your bday today. :) You are going to love it. :) But seriously...come back...like now.

Peace! :)

I haven't died yet from the cats! :D

So...I'm spending this weekend at Anige's cause my mom is out of town. It's been real fun so far. :) We went swimming again yesterday at Brian's and we are going again today. So that will be 3 days in a row for me. :P But oh well...it's lots of fun. I'm kind of tired though...cause me and Angie had a heart to heart until like 4 in the morning last night. Haha....but we kind of always stay up at least that late. So I should have expected it. :P Tonight we are having movie night at Angie's with me, her, Lauryn, Adam, Sean, Ginny, and Brian. I'm real excited. :D It should be a ton of fun. Well...I better get ready to go swimming...but I'll write more later and when I get home I'll put on some pics. :)

Libby: I miiiiiiiisssssssssss yyyyyyyyooooooooouuuuuuuu! I can't wait until you come back! I'm so needy...anananananananana

Love! :D :D :D

Vbs is over! :( Ananananana....

Tonight is sleepover with Libby night!!! Yay! :D We haven't had a sleepover in a while...well just the 2 of us. So we are parting it up! Haha...not really :P So...I miss vbs already :( I almost started crying when it was over...like legit. :( But that's ok. There's always next year! :D And I can't wait! :D

Exciting news time! :D I got my permit today!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can driveeeeeee!! :D Yay!! Well...with an adult in the front seat. :P But the sucky part is my mom goes out of town tomorrow :( so I can't drive until she gets back. But that's ok. :) I'm spending this weekend at Angie's. It should be grand fun...minus the cats. :/ But we will make do. :) Wow...I use a lot of faces don't I? Oh well :P I like them :)

Libby is leaving for a week tomorrow...Idk what I am going to do without her. It's hard when you are the one left at home. But I guess it's only fair cause I left her for a week. But I will still miss her tons. But we will hang out when she gets back. :) And my brother is coming home on the 1st and we are having a welcome home partyish thing for him and I get to invite friends. :) I'm so excited!!!! Cause his girlfriend is coming too. :)

Merecedes: If you are reading this...you are invited to the welcome home party. I just keep forgetting to actually invite you. :P Haha. :)

Libby: Don't ever leave me!!!!!! Anananananannananananananananananananaanan :( :( But don't feel bad...really...cause then I'll feel bad for making you feel bad. :( I love you so much :)

I <3 vbs! :P

So......last time I wrote was Saturday night. Wow. Haha. Well...vbs is going great. I kind of love it...a lot. :P Haha I'm such a nerd, but I think it's a lot of fun. :) Cause I get to see Libby, Sean, Jordynn, and Rich everyday. And I'd say we all have a pretty bon diggity time. :) So...Sunday after vbs me, Sean, Libby, and Jordynn went to subway. :) And yesterday afterwards me, Sean, Libby, Jordynn, Rich, Elias, and Rich's friend Caleb all went to Jimmy John's. That was a lot of fun too. :) And then today me, Jordynn, Libby, Sean, and Rich went to DQ. I forgot how scary/fun it is to ride in Rich's car. Haha.

I love Libby Trammel. :) Sorry...I'm kind of copying the paragraph you wrote to me. I am so so so so so so so so happy that you are believing that God loves you. Cause he absolutely does. And you have no idea how happy that makes me. Like unbelievably happy. :D :D When I was at camp they were talking about how if someone goes to hell you will never get to see them again and so if you have friends who aren't too sure on the whole God thing that you need to talk to them. And my very first thought was "I hope I can talk to Libby about all this stuff...cause Heaven wouldn't be any good without her." And I don't mean that in a "you're going to hell" way. Oh gosh...I just sounded like a bitch, didn't I? Well...I meant that in a nice way I really did. I'm sorry if it didn't come across that way. And I have an answer to a question you asked me the other day. In case you don't remember you said "If God loves everyone why does he send people to hell?" And I'm with you on that one. It still confuses me a lot....but I have somewhat of an answer. God doesn't just send people to hell if they don't believe in him. He brings everyone to heaven at first and if they look at Jesus and say he's not real then they go to hell. Does that make sense? If it doesn't I'll try to think of a better way to explain it to you sometime. But if you ever have a question about God I'm here for you. Cause you always say that I'm so happy and I care for other people and stuff...but the only reason I'm like that is cause Jesus is in my heart. Trust me...it's an amazing feeling. And I would love to help you feel that way. :)

So...life is pretty great. :) Sometimes I feel a little bipolar or something...cause I'll be real happy one minute and then I will be crying the next over nothing...and then I'll be real happy again...maybe that's just cause I'm pmsing. :P Haha. But yeah...should I be concerned? Eh whateves. Another thing is...I'm starting to think better of myself. Like...I don't think I'm beautiful yet...but...looking in the mirror today...I looked ok. And I'm really trying to be less annoying. I think I must have bad hearing or something...cause I don't realize when I talk loud. But oh well...I'm trying. :) Life just gets better everyday. It really does. Thank you God for everything I have. :)

:D ~Peace! Love!~ :D

Jazz Fest rocks my socks off! :D

So I'm pretty much loving life. A lot. :D It's so great. Today I went to Rich's church again to help with vbs again. But....besides Rich's family I was the only one that showed up. Haha. But it was still fun! :D It wasn't awkward at all or anything. And Madisen is kind of really adorable. :) Rich's mom wanted us to go to their church with them in the morning but we are realy tired cause of jazz fast. So we aren't going to. So...yeah...I don't have much to write about...I'm kind of lame tonight. :P

Love! :D

What I did today...wow I'm so boring. :P

So... what did I do today...? Well I went out to eat with my dad. Which wasn't near as bad as I thought it was going to be. I just really hope that he doesn't pull this crap again if I actually kind of start to like him again. Oh well...we will just have to wait and see, won't we kids? After we went to eat we went to Best Buy cause I had to get a lot of stuff there. And I tried to pay for it but he wouldn't let me. So I did try! So I got a lot of stuff. :) Which is awesome! Then...I waited forever for Jordynn to call me back. In that time I made some cd's and stuff. It was great. :) And then Libby came over and me and her and Ginny went to Brian's Beauty and the Beast show. It was so adorable! :D And the me and Libby went to Merc's house for a little while. And Bridget was there too. :) It was real cute. And Merc gave me some adorable pokemon! :) Really...they are super cute! :) I love them! Thank you so much Mercededes! So right now I'm just sitting around playing some Pokemon Platinum. It's pretty epic. And Merc is feeding me cheesy pick up lines on facebook. Haha. So...I probably should be something productive right now...but I really don't want to. Haha. I'm such a teenager. :) But it's summer. Give me a break. School starts exactly one month from today. I'm kind of excited but I'm not at the same time. Cause I LOVE the social part of school...but I hate the stress. Haha. Well...I got nothing else.

Peace! :D

LIfe is good :D

Ok...so this post is going to be in big contrast to the last one...well not the letter to Libby...the other one. Today was an amazing day. I feel...great. :D So I hung out with Jordynn and Libby again today as I did yesterday. And of course it was a ton of fun! And we are helping Rich's mom with VBS! Yay! I love VBS! :D :D Haha. Wow...I'm such a nerd. So anyway...I saw Rich again...and we talked and stuff and he was real nice. Which I think means he has actually forgiven me. Which takes the biggest weight off my shoulders. I feel so much better about everything! :D And now I'm trying to get Ginny to come pick me up so we can go to Brian's house. :)

.I love Libby!
..I love Angie!
...I love Ginny!
....I love life!
...I love Jordynn!
..I love Brian!
.I love Sean!
:D

Thanks guys...for an amazing summer! :D Love! :D

Dear Libby,

I'm sorry to have saddened you. :( That wasn't my intention at all. And thank you so much for writing that letter type thing. I cried...but it's ok...I think it was a good kind of crying.

I'm glad I help your faith in the human race. I never thought I could do that for anyone. Haha. And I love you so much too. I will flat out say it. If it wasn't for you I would have killed myself trying to get through all of this. I love you. :)

Thanks for saying that I'm pretty....I just really don't feel like it. And I like that you can tell my lips are kissable...that part made me giggle. :P Can you really tell that just by looking at someone? Cause if so, you are even more amazing than I thought.

What you said about Rich really made sense. My question is....How do I get him to warm back up to me? Cause I don't know how that will work...if we never talk...or if I never see him. You know? Idk...it's not that I still like him or anything. I just miss his friendship. But maybe you don't even know...then we are screwed. Haha jk. We'll figure something out.

As far as you wishing you were more like me...Idk if I would go that far. But I know for sure that I want to be more like you. Maybe we can teach each other to be like the other...if that makes sense. Ah! My itunes is on shuffle and our song just came on. Shake, shake, shake, shake, shake it! :D I love you so much. Thank you. You are the reason I'm where I am today. I could have never gotten this far without you.

Harry Freakin Potter!!!!

Omg!!! We went to the midnight (well 12:04 if you want to be technical) showing of Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince last night! It was awesome! :D Sitting in line for 3 and half hours wasn't even bad. It was so much fun. :) It was me, Brian, Ginny, Ethan, Katie, and Chris. :) And D picked up Katie so me and Ginny were really crazy cause it was 3 in the morning. So I think he might be even more scared of us. Haha. But it was great...I felt bad though cause I started to fall asleep a little bit. Hehe.

So...I cried myself to sleep last night. It was the first time in a long time. So I guess that's kind of good...? I just wish I could predict how I was going to feel. Or that it would stay on one side of the line instead of jumping back and forth. I feel real depressed today. Which means I won't let anyone see it. Except my mom...so that's going to bring up a big fight some time today. yay. Oh well...I'll put on my big pretend smile that I've become an expert at right now. And let everyone think that everything is ok in my little heart.

Elias said that Rich has forgiven me and wants to be friends too. And it's not that I don't believe Elias...I just have a hard time believing it for some reason. And I know that doesn't really make sense...but I guess I'm not one to really make sense a lot of the time. I hope it really is true though. Cause Libby said if he didn't forgive me soon she was going to get mad at him again. And I can't destroy their friendship again. And I know even if I ask her not to she still will. But it's my fault they starting fighting. I'm the one who destroyed their friendship. I can't be responsible for that again. If I was....Idk what I would do.

I think my self-esteem is kind of plummeting. Back to what it used to be like in middle school. I don't like it but I can't seem to help it. No matter how much people disagree with me...I know I'm not pretty or a good person or a fun person to hang out with. I know that I'm annoying. And I hate it. I can see myself being annoying...but it's like I can't help it. Like I'm watching myself do all these things from a distance or something. I don't feel very loved right now either. Which is dumb cause I have Ginny, Brian, Jordynn, Libby, and Sean. But...Idk. I really don't know why I feel like this.

I have to go to eat with my dad on Friday. Vomit. I don't want to at all. But everyone keeps yelling at me that I need to so I guess I will. I thought maybe I would say that I need to go to best buy and get some stuff so that he will pay for it. But Brian told me I would be an awful person (well at least one person gave up on lying) if I did that. But I'm so sick of his shit. I don't want to deal with this anymore. He's just going to pull the same thing again once I start to believe he is really going to be nice. I can't do it anymore...

The adventures of my day...and a little more :)

I had an amazing day today! So let's relieve it right now! In story mode. :D So I woke up and called Ginny cause we had talked about hanging out. So then she came and picked me up and we went to subway. :) Then we went to her house and took the doors and roof of her jeep!!!! OMG!!!!! It is so amazing without the doors and roof! It's awesome! :D And then....we went and picked up Austin Murra, then Ethan Nemmers, then Sean, then Libby, and then Brian. And we went to the park in my neighborhood and then we went to Brian's house and went swimming. :) It was just so great to see Libby and Sean again. :) I missed them. Haha. And now Libby is sleeping over. :D It's great. She makes me laugh so much. I love her. :) And tomorrow we are going to attempt to hang out with Elias and Rich...idk how that will go...but we'll see.

So...Rich has an ex-girlfriend named Zoey. I've probably talked about her before. And I was feeling real bad about being a bitch to her just cause everyone told me she was a bitch. So I added her as a friend on facebook and apologized. And it's turned into a pretty nice convo. She actually seems like a pretty nice person. :) And I didn't realize how much it had been eating away at me but since I did that I feel like this huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. :)

Oh gosh...I love Libby so much. She is just making me laugh right now cause she is talking to herself. It's quite silly. Haha. Ah. Life is good. I love it..but i have so many bug bites from camp. It's ridiculous! I think me and Libby just made harmony. That was pretty sweet! :D

~Love!~

I miss camp... :/

So...I'm back from camp. I miss it lots though. Everything there is just...amazing. I just can't even explain it. Everyone just gets along so good, we all love each other so much. Nothing there reminds me of stuff I don't want to think about. Where as everything here reminds me of it. But that's ok. I did miss everyone here lots and lots. Tonight I went to hot harley nights with Ginny, Brian, Missy, and Sara Ellington. So that was a ton of fun! :D This pic is me and Angie at the top of Mt. Baldy. That's right kids! I climbed a mountain! For the 2nd time! :D I love it up there. We ended up sitting at the top for like an hour and a half. It was really great. :P We were almost late for supper. Haha. Ugh...I miss it so much. It's sooooo much fun! But it's over for this year...

Libby-Don't worry Darling! I'm back. And you are sleeping over tomorrow tonight I hope. I love you and I'm back! I"m real sorry I had to leave. Haha.

.:Peace, Love, Happiness:.

Oh...life :)

So...I've been at camp since Sunday and boy...have I had a blast! I love camp so so so so so much! I don't think anyone could understand how I feel when I'm at that place. Camp Judson is the love of my life. When I'm there...Idk...everything just makes sense. I love my camp friends so much and it sucks that I only get to see them once or twice a year. Those kids are amazing. I'm just glad I get to spend until Saturday with them. :) Me and Angie are having an amazing time! I have no idea how that girl ended up in my life. Why God blessed me with her, with any of my friends for that matter. But I am so happy he did. That's another thing I love about camp. Afterwards I just feel so connected with God...it's truly incredible. I love it so so much! Ok...so shall I write a bit to my friends? I think so. Maybe...just a reflection on everyone.

Angie-Like I said. I'm so blessed to have you. I don't know what I do without you. Bless you! (She just sneezed :P) Who would I make terrible harmony with? Who would I tell everything I'm not supposed to tell anyone with? I love you so so much girl!

Ginny-Ah! My love! :D I can't wait to see you when I get back. I love you so so much. :) Thanks for everything. Giving me the biggest laughs, and listening to me while I cry. You mean so much to me.

Libby-Now, you are a girl truly sent from God. He sent you to me and I could never thank him enough for that. I would have never been able to get through the past weeks without you. Thank you so much for talking to me for 50 minutes on the phone when I didn't know what to do next. Idk what I would have done that night if it wasn't for you. You are heaven sent and don't ever forget it. I love you so much! And God loves you...more than you could imagine. :)

Brian-I love you. So much. Thanks for giving me a shirt to climb Mt. Baldy in. :) You are a truly amazing boy. The girl that ends up with you will be the luckiest girl in the world. And if anyone ever hurts you...she better watch out for me and Ginny. :P I love you! :D

Sean-Oh Seany boy. Sorry to wake you up on Tuesday when we called from the top of Mt. Baldy. :) But everyone else was working! Haha. Our college is going to be amazing! :D I love you!

Jordynn-Sorry I hadn't talked to you in forever! Haha. But your call made my day today. :) I love you so much and thanks for thinking of me. And you are the only friend that has ever truly held me while I cried. And you have no idea how much that means to me. I will always love you. Thank you so much for everything and we are hanging out when I get back to Sioux Falls. Maybe...with a black man named Elias! :D

Merecedes-I think you read this but I'm not quite sure. I know we aren't super close or anything but I just wanted to thank you for being a part of my life. You are adorable and I love you so much. :)

Kit-Oh boy...haha. I know he doesn't read this but I don't care. :) Jeez...we used to be so close. Those were some crazy times. Why did you change so much when you came out? It doesn't change who you are bud. You've always been this way. And no matter what anyone says you ARE NOT going to hell. I don't care what anyone says. I know you are not and I have proof in the Bible for you. Just because you are gay God is not going to send you to hell. I am 100% serious. God loves you so much. Remember, he doesn't look at you as the gay boy and me as the straight girl. He looks at you as the sinning boy and the sinning girl. We are the same in his eyes.

Izzy-I know she doesn't read this either...but oh well. I Love you girl. I'm not going to lie. But you can be a bitch. That sounds real mean but it is true. I miss the great times we used to have but I can't do it if it means giving up Ginny. She's been there for me way to much to give her up. I'm sorry our friendship didn't work out to well. I'm sorry.

Rich-Idk if you will read this...but yes I did get this idea from you. And thanks for what you said. It was real nice. I would love to go back to the time when we sang Elephant Love Medley at the top of our lungs in your car and passerbys thought we were insane. Haha. But I know we can't go back. And I'm ok with that. But, I would love to move forward. I know after everything that has happened we will never be as close as we used to but...could we at least be friends? I miss you buddy. I really do. And Idk if you miss me. But I'm ready to forgive and forget. Maybe we could even sing a little Moulin Rouge. :) And I know you probably don't want to hear this cause last time I said something along these lines you got mad, but God loves you. So so much Rich. He really does. Honestly. I don't you don't believe it and I don't know how to get through to you. But he does. And I love you too. In a brother way. Really. We can be friends. I know we can. :)

So...I think that's everyone. I have some more to write about camp but I'll wait until I get home cause I need to go shower.

Love love love love love! :D

My anti-depressants :D

So...my friends are pretty much the best people in the world. I have no idea how to tell them how amazing they are. Without them...I...probably would have been dead a long time ago. But every time I feel alone or lost or whatever...I know I can call any of them and they will just talk to me while I cry. Thanks Libby for talking for 50 minutes. :P I just...idk...I love you all so so so much! So...I'm thinking I need some pictures of my summer fun. Agreed?

So this is Libby, Ginny, and me when we all had a sleepover at Ginny's last Friday. So much fun! We are such freaks :P haha I love the 2 of them. Why you ask? Well...I'll start with Libby. 1.) She's best big sis anyone could ever ask for. 2.) She helps me through all my problems cause she's been through it all before. 3.) She's a great person to talk to 4.) She's hella dank! (What does hella dank mean? :P) Now! Ginny! 1.) She's been on of my best friends since 6th grade. 2.) She is also a great person to talk to. 3.) She is so crazy fun! You don't even understand! 4.) She forgave me after I was a bitch to her for like 3 months. :) Love you girls!

So...again Brian. He was driving Ginny's car...scary!!!! Haha. But I love this pic! My hand kind of ruins it but it is still really cool :) He's pic buddies with Hagg. Haha. I love him because... 1.)He's a gentleman, not a dumb boy. 2.)He's adorable. 3.) He's always there for me. 4.) He's Brian :)

So this is obviously on of Libby and Brian...riding on top of Ginny's car. While it was moving at full speed. Thus Libby's face. I just love this pic so much I had to put it on. Isn't it amazing!

Seany boy! :D I love this kid! Especially cause he's not being all emo anymore. Him and Libby are so cute together and I'm so happy for them. He's amazing too! Me and him are going to make a college together. It's going to be B A! Haha.

Libby is a gansta...that's all I have to say.

This is another pic from the night Brian, Angie and I were down town. I love this one too. :)

So can you see why I love this kids? If you can't...then there is something seriously wrong with you. Go get that checked out cause these kids have helped me through everything. Without them I would be nothing. I love all of you so much! :D

~Peace! Love!~

Forgive me?

So it's been a little while but that's cause I've been super busy with my cousins being here and such. So I've been having a lot of fun...but there is still a weight on my shoulders. I wish people could forgive easier. I wish I knew how much time was enough time. I wish...that none of this ever happened. I wihs we could all just be friends again. And we could...I really think so at least. I just want to look past this...

I'm really sorry. Please forgive me.