Urgggg, Love, and Forgiveness. Oh my!

Here's my dumb issue of today. My brother, Matt, is such a douche bag! I'm sooooo mad at him!! The whole time we were out to eat tonight he was expecting me to take care of Jonah for him and stuff. It's so ridiculous. So I flat out said to him that I was only 15 and that I shouldn't have to take care of a baby. The whole night he was super pissy all because my mom wouldn't watch my nephews when he wanted to sleep earlier. Why do people have kids if they don't really want them? It feels like Matt and Lori don't even want to be parents. Sometimes I feel like I could be a better parent to those boys than then are. But whatever....they can screw up their kids if they want.

But on to other things...

Love. It's defined on dictionary.com as a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person. Urban dictionary says The most spectacular,indescribable, deep euphoric feeling for someone. Like Libby said "If you love someone, and you end things, where does the love go?" I couldn't be more puzzled by this question...how can somebody care (or at least seem to care) about you so much one day, and then a few weeks later not even want to talk to you at all? I see how eventually it could go away...but so suddenly? Idk...I'm not trying to dwell over Rich...really I'm not. I've just been thinking about what love really is. I don't think he loved me like he said. He was just infatuated. Which was nice at the time. But now it sucks butt. Oh well though...it's over. The thing that scares me the most is that I was so surprised that one boy actually liked me. Cause I know I'm not a very beautiful or anything. So...what if it never happens again? What if there is never another boy...cause I'm still pretty sure this was just luck. I'm not sure if there will ever be someone else...and that scares me. :/ But I guess all I can do is hope and pray.

Another thing that's been on my mind lately is forgiveness. How can you tell if you've truly forgiven someone. When you just say "I forgive them"? When you tell God you've forgiven them? You think that would be the case...but shouldn't there be some weight lifted off my shoulders? Let me tell you where this is coming from. First, some back round info. I went to Edison Middle School, something I don't really like to talk about. haha. But anyway we had this show choir called "Inventions". I was in it in 7th and 8th grade. In 7th grade we were really good and I absolutely loved it! In 8th grade...not so much. And for a couple months before the incident that I'm going to tell you about happened I had kind of been not so respectful in chorus. And I admit that. But what was really dumb is that it would always be a big group of us goofing off and Mrs. Anderberg and Mrs. Sunvold (the teachers) would only ever yell at me. Now, to set the scene...It was the 2nd to last day of school in 8th grade and they were making us perform for all the 8th graders in the school. Embarrassing! So we were all goofing off and making faces at the audience and such...trying to make it a little better. So after the performance Mrs. Sunvold (who didn't even direct Inventions) came and started yelling at all of us...and then she pointed me out in front of everyone. At this point I was so sick of it that I started crying, I'm a big baby I know :/ So then she let everyone else go but still wanted to talk to me. Then she continued to yell at me for like 5 whole minutes...telling me that I was a failure and that I was never going to amount to anything and that I was an embarrassment. So she said all this to me as I was sobbing...oh and she also told me multiple times to pull it together. Ugh. And then she had the nerve to end with "but you are a really great singer and I hope you come back and visit us next year" What a bitch!!! So...this is really dumb, but all the stuff she said to me rang in my head everyday for a long long time. I really tried to forgive her...but I had a really hard time doing that. So this year I started this new thing that I would forgive everyone who did me wrong. It felt really good so I tried really hard to forgive her. And I think I have...but I don't feel any better about it...Idk...what is forgiveness truly? If you have any idea...please tell me!

Love you all! Hope you are doing marvelously :)