Harry Freakin Potter!!!!

Omg!!! We went to the midnight (well 12:04 if you want to be technical) showing of Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince last night! It was awesome! :D Sitting in line for 3 and half hours wasn't even bad. It was so much fun. :) It was me, Brian, Ginny, Ethan, Katie, and Chris. :) And D picked up Katie so me and Ginny were really crazy cause it was 3 in the morning. So I think he might be even more scared of us. Haha. But it was great...I felt bad though cause I started to fall asleep a little bit. Hehe.

So...I cried myself to sleep last night. It was the first time in a long time. So I guess that's kind of good...? I just wish I could predict how I was going to feel. Or that it would stay on one side of the line instead of jumping back and forth. I feel real depressed today. Which means I won't let anyone see it. Except my mom...so that's going to bring up a big fight some time today. yay. Oh well...I'll put on my big pretend smile that I've become an expert at right now. And let everyone think that everything is ok in my little heart.

Elias said that Rich has forgiven me and wants to be friends too. And it's not that I don't believe Elias...I just have a hard time believing it for some reason. And I know that doesn't really make sense...but I guess I'm not one to really make sense a lot of the time. I hope it really is true though. Cause Libby said if he didn't forgive me soon she was going to get mad at him again. And I can't destroy their friendship again. And I know even if I ask her not to she still will. But it's my fault they starting fighting. I'm the one who destroyed their friendship. I can't be responsible for that again. If I was....Idk what I would do.

I think my self-esteem is kind of plummeting. Back to what it used to be like in middle school. I don't like it but I can't seem to help it. No matter how much people disagree with me...I know I'm not pretty or a good person or a fun person to hang out with. I know that I'm annoying. And I hate it. I can see myself being annoying...but it's like I can't help it. Like I'm watching myself do all these things from a distance or something. I don't feel very loved right now either. Which is dumb cause I have Ginny, Brian, Jordynn, Libby, and Sean. But...Idk. I really don't know why I feel like this.

I have to go to eat with my dad on Friday. Vomit. I don't want to at all. But everyone keeps yelling at me that I need to so I guess I will. I thought maybe I would say that I need to go to best buy and get some stuff so that he will pay for it. But Brian told me I would be an awful person (well at least one person gave up on lying) if I did that. But I'm so sick of his shit. I don't want to deal with this anymore. He's just going to pull the same thing again once I start to believe he is really going to be nice. I can't do it anymore...