Done.

Forever.

How did it end up like this?

First day of semester tests was today. I got a high enough grade to get an A in precalc which made me really happy! :D English was a breeze of coarse. And then there was chemistry...

I got a D on the test giving me a C in the class overall. I've never gotten a C before. When did I get so stupid? It kills me.

I'm finding more and more reasons to hate myself.

You are surrounded by beauty. Just look around.

Did you know that YOU are a beautiful thing?

Because it's true. And even though I'm frightened I know I'll make it through.

All I have to do is think of you. All of you.

But I didn't let it get to me. :/

Happy one year anniversary of the last time my dad talked to me.

And the last time a boy kissed me.

It's great how those things happen on the same day, isn't' it?

The Simpleness of Life

I do enjoy springtime.

I don't enjoy my mother.

The importance of life.

Today Taylor flat out told me that I'm the one in charge of light crew next year. He had kind of been hinting at it but now it's official. And my head is spinning...

I am so so so excited! That means that no one besides D is above me. I love lights and they are a great way to express myself. And I guess I feel...special...? Haha. That seems lame but I feel really important and respected. Which is really nice because it seems like theatre is really the only place that I have worth. So it's nice that I have a lot of worth. :]

On the other hand...I'm frightened. I don't want to let them down. And I feel like my head can't hold near as much knowledge as it needs too. I feel like Taylor is going to come back to see shows and just be like are you kidding me? But I'm more excited than I am scared...

Ask Callie...he gave me that news and I was just kind of in shock. Haha.

I'm important. :]

I hurt everywhere....

So yesterday was the last day of the Theatre II show. Hallelujah! But it was a very eventful last day. So I was walking past a wall that was part of the set and I bumped into it slightly but just kept walking past it. But this wall thought it would be a great idea to fall on top of me. The wall literally fell on top of me. It was probably one of the scariest things that has ever happened to me. And everyone was sure that I had a concussion, and I will admit I felt a little loopy and confused but mostly I was just tired. I kept almost falling asleep everywhere and someone would run up and shake me awake. So Libby finally got my mom to bring me to the doctor. And I didn't have a concussion, so that's good. Just a big bump on my head and an sore body. But hey! A wall landing on me could have ended a lot worse. :]

Hey! Hey....

The way lyrics wrap themselves around my brain is quite....delectable. :]


A girl like you is impossible to find, you're impossible to find.

The silence isn't so bad 'til I look at my hands and feel sad 'cause the spaces between my fingers are right where yours fit perfectly.

I try and just kick it but then what can I do? We've all got our junk and my junk is you.

I want your love and I want your revenge you and me could write a bad romance!

Suddenly Seymour is standin' beside you. You don't need no makeup, don't have to pretend.

Thursday I don't care about you it's Friday I'm in love.

No one to tell us no or where to go or say we're only dreaming.

Everybody's gonna love today gonna love gonna love today!

Young love is such dumb love call it what you want it was still enough.

You're my object of affection, my drug of choice, my sick obsession.

And if you were a kiss I know I'd be a hug.

Anything that you might do. I'm gonna do to.

I don't see what anyone can see in anyone else, but you.

What you've got boy is hard to find, I think about it all the time. I'm all strung up my heart is fried, I just cant get you off my mind.

Watching's you the only drug I need!


Lovely, lovely day. :] :] :]

And it kept on flying!

Tell me the truth dear boy
What is it that you are thinking?
What's going through that pretty little head of yours?
If only I knew.
If only I could engulf myself in not my own thoughts but yours.
To see inside your mind
Would I see myself?
Because mine revolve around you.
Every minute of
Every day. It's you.

And the pen flew off the page....

No...
Really?
Could it possibly happen?
Could you look at me and think the same thing that my brain has been screaming for months?
I can't even imagine...
But I want to...badly
Everything you do makes me fall harder
You're my object of perfection
My drug of choice
My sick obsession
I've never felt this way before
You smile and my heart melts
You laugh and my heart sings
You say my name and I can't help but....
smile :]
You've inspired something new in me
Something unexplainable
I want to tangle your fingers within mine
I want you to look at me and that butterfly feeling that I've become so used to
Could it possibly be true?

The snow is melting? Ha! I wish!

Life is good. And I need to remember that more often. I need to remember that it is a gift. And the times that I feel like shit just mean that a really good time is coming up really soon. I have friends that love me. And that's all I need.

I'm starting to feel good about myself again. And that feels so good. I'm starting to think that everything will be ok even though it hasn't seemed that way in a while. I'm starting to think that I'm going to make it.

Libby-I love you darling. So much. But I know I need to start letting go. I think we could still be really good friends when you go to college because you won't be that far away, but if you don't think so that's ok. If there is one thing you've taught me (and there are many more than one) it's how to survive on my own.

Callie-Thank you so much for saving me last night. Haha. You are so amazing. I owe you. Big time. You are so beautiful and don't ever think anything different. :]

Izzy-I miss you so much! It feels like I haven't seen you in ages. And I need to. I love you!

I think you three are my main three blogging buddies. I love you guys. I could go on, but for now I'm done.

Thank you world, for not giving up on me quite yet.

Woaaaaaah! There's a party at a rich dude's house!

Life has been kind of so so lately. I've been spending lots of time with Zoey which has been a ton of fun. We just cruise around in her car and jam to music and talk. It's real nice. :] Right now Libby is sleeping over which is awesome! There was some really dumb shit with the theatre II show auditions, but you can read about that on Libby's because I don't even feel like wasting the energy typing about it.

One acts went quite nicely. I miss it already. Best three days of the year hands down. So much fun. :]

I don't have much to write about...life isn't that exciting. Haha.

Dreams Only Last For A Night....

Last night I had a sleepover with Zoey. So much fun. I love that girl a lot. And I'm glad to know that next year when everyone leaves me I'll still have her. :] Speaking of everyone leaving....

I don't want that to happen. I don't want them to leave me...but I know it has to happen. Is it dumb that every time Libby says she can't wait to graduate and get the fuck out of here I kind of feel like something is stabbing...no...more like scraping at my heart a little? I'm going to miss her...

Last night me and Zoey died my hair! Not like a huge change but just something a little different. :] So I decided that with my new hair color I'm going to make a new me. This new Natasha:
1. Doesn't give a fuck what Sean or Claire think.
2. Is going to try really hard to be happy.
3. Is going to love herself...or at least try.

I hope I'll be able to see the light more if I try things....cause right now I feel like I'm falling through darkness...

Cause I know I'm good for something I just haven't found it yet....

So......I'm feeling kind of like I'm a useless piece of shit.

Thank you Sean Lemke.